Letters Of Complaint
by Fyrshi
Summary: Fanfiction writers everywhere have been writing about us for years on end, twisting our very natures to suit their little fantasies... but we have had enough of being manipulated! It's high time that we write our views to the world and show everyone just how much we dislike (or like) our positions anyhow... [Idea Credit- PhoenixDiamond; Full Warnings Inside]
1. Orihara Izaya, Strictly Human

_**A/N: **__So instead of working on my ongoing DRRR story (which I swear I'm writing up now), I'm uploading this random spiel of work... sorry, not sorry, I guess. Anyhow, I'll just put up my warnings and disclaimers and be on my way then, shall I?_

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_**WARNING:**__** This story contains multiple expletives, allusions to yaoi/yuri/hetero relationships, witty sarcasm that borders on being caustic, and angry characters. Do not read if you will become offended by anything present in this collection of imaginary letters.**_

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own the characters of Durarara (which were created by Ryohgo Narita), the story idea (conceived by PhoenixDiamond in her Naruto fanfiction, **_**Dear Writers of Naruto, No Just No**_**) or the various cliches alluded to in this story (which were utilized by a list of Durarara fanfiction writers). All I own is my imagination and these letters...**

**Note: **This story had originally been uploaded under the title of 'To Writers, With Hate', but the title seemed a little too drastically negative, so I changed it to something more neutral. I apologize for any readers who may be angry at this seemingly random change, but I guess this was the reason for my change...

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_**Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

It has come to my attention that people think I am either a black-furred cat or a cat-human hybrid, especially after reading these strange tales that I have found online about myself. Now, as much as you humans acknowledge the fact that I would look adorably well-groomed as a sleek household pet with a human owner serving me front paw and hind paw, I must educate everyone and enlighten them to the fact that I am strictly _human_. I have normal human ears and nothing growing out of my behind, like some of you imaginative souls would otherwise think, and that I do not go into heat to hopefully make miniature versions of myself or, worst of all, prostate myself before a perverted male to take me from behind. I do not meow or purr, though I am sure I would be quite appealing to others if I tried, and I do not lick myself all over, as my tongue is strictly used for tasting my ootoro and moistening my mouth and lips.

On that note, I should probably mention that, contrary to some strange conspiracy that is going on between you fanfiction writers, Shinra will never develop a drug that will successfully transform a human into a human-cat hybrid or a complete cat... and if he does, he will never dare to feed it to me, nor would I be stupid enough to accept turning myself into the aforementioned states. Nor, for that matter, will my secretary be feather-brained enough to throw away her perfectly good job and poison me with such a concoction, though I wouldn't put it beneath her to try. In short, I will be forever the God of Ikebukuro, who is 100% human and will forever remain so, and I will ask you all to keep your imaginations to yourself, and test your impossible scientific experiments on a more willing participant.

Oh, and feathers/balls of yarn/milk are not to my liking. Fish, and especially ootoro, is perfectly acceptable. Massages would be wonderful, especially since I tend to get a crick in my neck from sitting at my table for too long, and being pampered is definitely something that I would love as well.

...Not that, of course, I'm thinking of turning into a cat or a human-cat hybrid...

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. If that monster ever did the things he does to me in all those Neko!Izaya stories, I would castrate him in a heartbeat. No questions asked._

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_**A/N: **__...or not, it seems. If anyone wants me to add specific characters or pairings into this compilation, then please leave a review or PM me to express your preferences. I should also mention that this will be irregularly updated because of my offline workload and the various other stories that I'm uploading/planning on uploading, so I apologize in advance if the next chapter ends up coming out sometime in the not-so-near future. Well, thanks for reading, I guess, and I hope to stick up the next letter soon~_

**[**Edit: If anyone has noticed, this chapter has undergone a bit of a transformation. I will be constantly revising my chapters to make them better and more reader-friendly, so if there are any further changes, the readers will be alerted to said change. Also, if anyone sees a potential problem that can be fixed in the story, please do tell me**]**


	2. Heiwajima Shizuo, In Need Of Mouthwash

**Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara, the initial story idea, or the story cliches in this piece of fiction. They are credited in the first chapter, so go look there.**

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_**Goddamn You, Fanfiction Writers**_

I don't fucking swear every second word and I'm actually quite happy not putting shitty expletives into everything I say, yet you little bastards are sorely testing my patience. Is it because the flea set you up to this? It is, isn't it?! Oh, goddamn it, I'm going to have to exterminate that motherfucking piece of shit and grind him into the ground for ruining my fucking peaceful life! He's always coming up to me and wearing that shit-eating grin (though, actually, how does anyone ever want to look like they're eating a piece of shit?) and merrily chirping his stupid 'Shiiiiiizu-chan~!' at me, so I guess he's just never going to leave me alone…

But hey, you fucking writers keep on making me swear even when I'm in a good mood or when I'm not around that bastard –which is generally why I swear to begin with, it seems– and it hurts to know you all think fucking squat of me. Sure, I throw vending machines around and uproot stop signs when I'm in a shitty mood, but that doesn't mean that I'm so dehumanized that I will stoop to swearing my ass off every single fucking second, you know. Well, yeah, at least some of you realize that I talk nice to Celty and Kasuka 'cause they never piss me off like everyone else seemingly does, but I can actually be nice to other people like Shinra and Kadota, 'kay? I have a fucking heart and a fucking clean mouth no matter _what_ you bastards want to write, hear that?!

So give that online me some fucking mouthwash and make him behave, because otherwise he'll be seeing my fist embedded in his face, even if it's supposedly mine. Oh, and while someone's at it, please tell the online flea that he needs to stop provoking my online self.

And one more fucking swear word will definitely end all your shitty little lives.

_**The Real Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. If that prick of a flea wants to castrate me, he'd better hope his shitty little face isn't smashed in first. 'Cause I'll do it, and he knows it, the fucker._

_P.P.S. I don't need a fucking editor putting shit into my words. I swear, if I find out that someone's tampered with my letter, I'm fucking incapacitating them._

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**_A/N: _**_Yeah, I'm guilty of making Shizuo swear every second word too... woohoo, go me. Anyhow, I felt inspiration after changing Izaya's initial letter (yeah, you read that right, Izaya's not going down with just one letter written) so here's the second letter in this series, all ready to go~ Please leave a review if you liked or disliked anything about my letters, or just leave a review to keep the plot bunnies going, but seriously speaking, it would be nice to get some sort of feedback for this... so drop a comment if you've got the time. That's all for now, I think, so thanks for reading, and I hope to get the next letter up soon~_


	3. Masaomi Kida, A Ladies' Man

**Disclaimer: As much as I wished I owned Durarara, this story idea or all the cliches... I don't. Ah, if only...**

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_**Heyo Fanfiction Writers~!**_

It's quite strange how the ladies out there seem to love me more when I'm with a guy rather than when I'm devotedly serving them with my charming ways, but I assure the disappointed females out there that, yes, I am quite the ladies' man. No matter how many males may throw themselves at my feet and worship my fascinatingly good looks and my delightfully cheery disposition, I am only available for the fairer populace to claim. Yes, I know that I am now in a fulfilling romantic relationship with my dearly beloved Saki-chan, but I can still reserve a few loving gestures and flirty comments with any ladies that are willing to hear the truth about their natural charm~

Honestly speaking, though, how could a bright-eyed boy like me deny the luscious curves and delectable figures that appear constantly before me? Ah, there is simply no enjoyment in running one's fingers down bony –or, god forbid, muscly– sides and mapping known territory when there is so much more out there that can satisfy every healthy young male's fantasies! My dear Mikado may be a wonderfully green friend and a great source of comfort when picking up ladies fails me, but I would never turn to the dark side for such an unwomanly figure. Oh, and don't get me started on that Izaya bastard. I'll go with him over my _dead and decomposed_ body… which will be never.

So please, my dear angels, don't be deterred by the fanciful imaginations of the few strange souls that are jealous enough to twist my woman-loving nature to that of a man-loving one! My arms are always open and my smile will only be reserved for all of you, so please ignore all those false talks of me being a queer, and share a pleasant afternoon with me sometime. Who knows, you could discover the man of your dreams with me- though, of course, I will have to sadly decline any invitations to sail off into an idyllic sunset.

Call me sometime, okay~?

_**The One and Only, Masaomi Kida**_

_P.S. I'll be hanging around Russia Sushi at noon for any females willing to have a chat with me~_

_P.P.S. For all those gays out there, I can tell if someone is crossdressing. Don't even think about trying to fool me into joining the dark side!_

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**_A/N: _**_I don't actually know how Masaomi communicates with people, other than the fact that he is cheery... so yeah, he's probably portrayed weirdly in this letter. I apologize if I've offended any gay people by calling the gay side 'the dark side', but I have nothing against gays... other than that they're generally hot in fiction literature. Well, leave a review to feed the plot bunnies and drop a few cliches that I could use for the characters' letters, I guess... but thanks for reading, and I hope to see everyone soon~_


	4. Kishitani Shinra, Privacy Advocate

**Disclaimer: The Durarara characters, story idea and the majority of these cliches will never be my own, for I am bereft of intellectual property in these departments.**

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_**Greetings, Fanfiction Writers!**_

It's strange how people tend to have a negative opinion of me at times; if it's not my extreme love for my beloved Celty (who is adorable to me, regardless of whatever anyone else thinks) then it's my tendency to 'prattle' or my meddlesome nature, amongst other traits that may or may not be a part of me. To be honest, I would rather have my darling write this up for me, but alas, she is busy doing what she will, and so I am left to my lonesome self, scratching ink on paper and writing out one of many woes I have picked up in these fanfictions I've skimmed over lately. Actually, there's a great many things that I could write about in my letter to the world, but I shall limit it to the one topic, so that I do not take up too much of your time. After all, you'd much rather be spending it with your very own Celty, like I would right now… was she here beside me. Ah, my loneliness…

Oh, yes, that's right; I should address a glaring issue that I happen to find in your fascinating pieces of work. In more specific terms, I'm talking about the part that I happen to play in bringing an element of romance into my friends' mundane lives. I find it quite intriguing how quite a number of you exacerbate my naturally curious nature and twist it into an unhealthy obsession to play Cupid in lives that are bereft of the wonders that my dear fairy and I share. I don't particularly share the hidden delights of my dearly beloved –though I have been noted to 'prattle' on at length about her and other equally 'unimportant' topics– so it's only fair to say that I could care less about how my friends find their own fairytale endings. Don't get me wrong, I actually do wish for my friends to find something akin to the incessant joys that abound inside my soul, but I myself do not actively go out of my way to do anything of the sort. As far as I'm concerned, they can find their own happiness~

With that being said, I will be more than willing to offer any advice to steer love in the right direction, even if it means I must disclose my own wonderful life with Celty for others to learn from. In fact, if there was a good reason for me to interfere in my friends' love lives, I would be easily persuaded to, say, lend a helping hand in such matters- after all, I am not so cold-hearted that I would leave my friends to pine away for their unrequited loves. Of course, I would never do such a thing of my own volition unless my darling Celty directly or indirectly begs for my help, but with all that said and done, I could still care less about my friends, especially if it has nothing to do with me. Contrary to popular cult belief, my experiments are limited to my unofficial patients and my own self-interests, and my medical expertise is for professional use only.

The bottom line is that I am not like certain people, who follow their emotional calling and attempt to make the world a better place for all, because my world revolves around my love for my dearly beloved and nothing else. As far as I'm concerned, I will never create antidotes for strange potions simply because my friends ask me of it –unless my lover begs me to, in which case I will happily acquiesce– and I will refrain from meddling in other's business, like certain other people tend to do. If you would be so kind as to lodge an appeal to Celty for assistance in your romantic lives and that of your fantastical characters then I'd be more than happy to help (because she is simply too cute for words) then that would be appreciated.

Until then, though, I have a home to tidy up before my beautiful fairy returns hither~!

_**Sincerely, Kishitani Shinra**_

_P.S. I sure hope that Masaomi won't try and flirt with Celty anytime soon…_

_P.P.S. Izaya, I value my time and life too much to inject you with strange concoctions. Ask your secretary for help with your secret kinks, I'm sure she can arrange something to suit your tastes._

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_**A/N: **Once again, I am guilty as charged for succumbing to this cliche... because one of my stories practically revolves around Shinra's meddling ways. I'm sorry if he waffles on too much to the reader's liking, but I guess he likes to hear himself talk (or not, as the reader may or may not find out later). Well, in any case, thank you for reading this letter and I hope that everyone will keep the plot bunnies well-fed in time to deliver the next letter soon~!_


	5. Shiki, On Normal Bedroom Conduct

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mind, which in turn does not own Durarara, this story idea, or the majority of these cliches**  
**Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who was wondering how Shiki would react to fanfiction about himself. This cliche was the one that seemed to occur quite frequently (or simply made the biggest impression on me) so I utilized it in this letter. I hope it's to your liking, Blu-chan~!**  
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_**To The Fanfiction Writers That This May Concern,**_

There is an issue that requires immediate attention and I feel that, to protect my honour as an integral member of the Awakusa-kai, I must address this problem before it spirals out of control. I had been informed that there were writers who would write about the escapades of the members of Ikebukuro and Shinjuku, such as Mr Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo, but I had not known about the extent to which my image would be manipulated. In fact, I was too busy with my professional business to dabble in this strange realm where one's personality can be twisted to suit various others' imaginations, but I have been made a little wiser about all this from Ms Akane, who somehow managed to get her hands on such profane material.

When I mention 'profane material' in regards to myself, I mean my supposed fetish for BDSM, especially when it comes to my fellow colleague Akabayashi and the Shinjuku informant. It defies all rational thought to depict people with a publicly unknown sexual orientation or preferences as lovers of questionable fetishes, but I suppose that there is some sort of plausibility in bestowing such a fetish on a person that is, as they say, 'made of sterner stuff'. Despite being somewhat flattered by having strangers believe that I am one of the few who revel in delivering pain, as a member of the Yakuza should appear as to outsiders, I cannot deny feeling a strong sense of annoyance at having individuals impose personality traits in me that I otherwise do not possess.

The crux of the matter is simply this- I do not have a public romantic life and I do not ever wish to have one, especially one that involves questionable means of displaying affection to one's partner, so I would thank everyone to keep their nose out of my supposed fetishes and write about something else that will not tarnish my public image as much as this issue has. I will neither admit nor deny allegations that I regularly conduct illicit affairs with various male members of society or engage in numerous degrees of rough activity with said members, because that would certainly add fuel to the gossiping fire that surrounds my life. What I will admit to, though, is having a secluded private life that I will attempt to keep private… at all costs.

With that being said, I wish everyone a good day. Hopefully, I myself will be able to have one too, when all these distasteful rumours die down…

_**From Shiki, of the Awakusa-kai**_

_P.S. For the record, Mr Izaya is altogether human… though his uncanny ability to exude smugness may be indicative of a feline nature._

_P.P.S. In the event that Mr Izaya does happen to act on his 'secret kinks', I would like to inform everyone that the Awakusa-kai do not know of this man. After all, we of the Meidei Group do not associate with insane individuals, no matter how valuable they may be._

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_**A/N: **Hah, I didn't actually know how to portray Shiki, because all I really know about him is the fact that he's extremely formal and an honourable man who acts nicely around kids... so yeah, here he is, I suppose. Thanks for reading this letter and hopefully, my plot bunnies can get a bit more food in the way of a review or two~_

_Before I sign off here, though, I would like to ask everyone a question that might affect the course of this fanfiction 'story' later on: **should I include the alternate characters in this collection of letters, or focus entirely on the canon characters? **It's just because that I'm unsure if I should file the alternates' cliches under their original characters, or delve into a few specific cliches that affect the alternates separately from their original selves..._


	6. Orihara Izaya, At Nobody's 'Service'

**Disclaimer: Durarara, the story idea, and the majority of these cliches are owned by various people... none of which are me.**

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_**Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

Alas, life has been treating yours truly quite unsavourily, because it does not seem to me that my precious humans can desist from concocting the oddest tales about my non-existent love life with the majority of the known male population. The fact that I appear as a demure little maid in various pieces of fiction is intriguing –after all, humans have the most wonderful imaginations and I applaud you all for having such active minds– but the God of Ikebukuro must interfere with your whimsical dreams once again. Once again, I see a problem with depicting me, a highly intelligent figure with a much-appreciated superiority complex, as an obedient puppet skipping around in frilly Lolita outfits without a care in the world for my fearsome reputation as the best informant in the world.

Now that I have the leisure to ponder over things, though, I have come to realize that there are several problems that exist when my dear humans attempts to portray me as a feminine household servant. As much as I may appear feminine to other unobservant individuals, my core being is that of a male, and the only reasons I ever cross-dress as a female is when I have business that requires me to do such things. Even if I were to dress as a woman for my pleasure, I would never willingly attire myself in an over-the-top maid outfit when such a thing is not required of me, especially if it is purely for my own enjoyment, as I can find better things to do with my spare time (like watch my beloved species go about their daily lives). Apart from those two glaring reasons, my attitude will never be submissive in any manner unless I am employing a great amount of caustic sarcasm, and my housekeeping affairs are managed by my secretary- because, obviously, that's what Namie is for, other than when she moons over her brother like the incestuous woman that she is.

For the record, I do not do housework of any sort unless it is required of me, I refuse to wear anything that will demean myself before my wonderful human race, and I will never submit to the whims of any so-called 'masters' that try to order some figment of their imagination around. As commendable as it is to have a vivid mind and a talent to make even the ridiculous look credible, I would rather _not_ be at anyone's service, thank you very much. Orihara Izaya is an almighty deity that strikes fear and awe into the hearts of mortals, not a meek little plaything that garners the ridicule of the nation with his girly ways.

Though, of course, I wouldn't mind owning my own cute maid~

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Maa, why is everyone against me? Is it because you're all secretly jealous of how cute I would look as a cat~? Though, of course, I could always arrange for various alternatives for those few that dare make fun of the one and only Orihara Izaya…_

_P.P.S. Shizu-chan, you're naturally a vicious beast with a protozoic brain, so it's only fair that your language is anything but close to that of a human's. Besides, we all know that your mouth is particularly foul~_

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**_A/N: _**_Haha, I couldn't resist doing another Izaya letter, even though I haven't done a vast number of other character letters yet- perhaps he's just too amusingly alluring for my mind to cope with? Well, whatever the case, thanks for reading the informant's second letter, and I hope that, with the aid of some review fodder for my plot bunnies, this pile of letters will be increased soon~_


	7. Kadota Kyohei, Batting Position Unknown

**Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish to dream, I will never own Durarara, the story idea or the majority of these cliches...  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, for prompting me to write Kadota's letter a bit sooner rather than later. Thank you for always reviewing and feeding my dear little plotbunnies ever since this fanfiction has kicked off, and I hope you like this letter, Blu-chan~

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

You'd think that, with all the yaoi that Karisawa tries to shove into my face on a daily basis, I would be fine with the idea of naked men on naked men and the rough love that she rails on about at great lengths… but I'm not okay with it at all. In my defence, Yumasaki has been acquainted with her for far longer than I have, and he is still squeamish at the thought of having a man as a partner in real life, no matter how much his best friend tries to convert him to the 'wonderful world of boy's love'.

Look, the point of what I'm saying is that it's not okay to stick me in homosexual relationships, not even if it's because you truly believe that I should be with a man. I know that my friend likes to romanticise my relationships with Chikage –she said something about how adorable we looked when we first fought and Togusa drove her and Yumasaki over to save those Dollars girls– but he's my friend, and it doesn't make sense. Then you writers come along and pair me up with Yumasaki, Togusa, Izaya, Shizuo, Shinra and all these other guys and I swear that's just not right.

Now, what worries me the most is that a lot of people seem to think that I harbour some unresolved affection for my past friends and my current ones, along with a whole host of random men, and I'm writing because I need to say that I cannot accept your ideas about my love life. I can't say it in a nicer way than that. It's beyond me that people can magic my sexual orientation out of thin air because I'm very sure that I haven't told anyone about which sort of people I'm interested in. I'm not saying that you _can't_ write and fantasize about whatever you'd like, because I don't have the means to censor your mind, but for the sake of my sanity and my hearing (because Karisawa will be screaming herself hoarse if she ever gets her hands on all this material) please, _please _leave me out of all this lovey-dovey business.

If my love life really does matter to everyone who reads this and is guilty of sticking me in a homosexual relationship, then I'll tell people when I get a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Just leave me out of all this shipping business, okay? You can dream all you like, but I sure don't want anyone else to read about it and get any strange ideas…

_**Regards, Kadota Kyohei**_

_P.S. If anyone gives Karisawa or Izaya this 'Kadota X [man]' material or even _thinks_ about changing my name to 'Dotachin', our deal is off about my relationship status._

_P.P.S. No, Izaya, nobody is jealous of you, so stop picking fights with everyone, especially Shizuo. Shinra, nobody will steal Celty away because you're the only one that loves her in that way. Oh, and Kida… stop flirting with girls when you've got Saki._

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_**A/N: **Is Dotachin the abrupt and forward sort that hides his flustered emotions with brusqueness, or is his image made of other elements? I wasn't too sure how he went here, so I apologize if this is not how people believe him to act. Anyhow, I hope that this letter was as entertaining as always, and that you'll leave a bit of fodder for my hungry plotbunnies to munch on for later letters, and I'll see everyone when the next letter pops up~_


	8. Heiwajima Shizuo, Your Typical Diner

**Disclaimer: Ah, I'm going to run out of things to put here soon. Look, the basics is that I don't own Durarara, the story idea or the majority of the cliches, okay? Now to go about and figure out a cool-sounding disclaimer for later...  
Dedicated To:** The one and only... Heiwajima Shizuo! Yep, it's his birthday today (Jan 28th) so what better way to celebrate it than let him rant~? Since I'm a wonderful author who celebrates their birthday regularly... (and yes, that was sarcasm, if anyone was wondering)

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_**You Damn Fanfiction Writers,**_

Why did one of you screw with my last letter, huh? Here I am, trying to tell everyone how annoyed I am at all of you for giving me a foul mouth, and then you go off and stick in random profanities all over my damn letter. If you edit this one out too, I swear I'm going to toss you out of 'bukuro when I see you all next. You'd better not see me, though, because I'm just about to get even _angrier_.

I'm not sure how your twisted little minds work –heck, you probably all take after the flea anyhow, what with your talent in annoying the heck out of all of us Ikebukurans– but what gave you the idea that messing with food was fun for me? Now, as far as I'm concerned, cake and milk are for eating and drinking, _not_ for smearing onto sexed-up people or pouring over someone's horny lover. Even if there were people who were inconsiderate enough to waste perfectly good food, I care too much about my cake and milk to dump it on someone… especially when I don't have someone to begin with. Food is food, not some glorified edible sex toy.

It's not just this misuse of my favourite food and drink that pisses me off, though; see, I don't know how you people come up with these ideas, but you even manage to screw around with the ingredients of them for your own damn entertainment. How the hell do you see health benefits in bathing (and having sex in) some weird honey-milk mix, and when the heck was sticking a vibrator in someone's cake anywhere close to acceptable?! Gosh, if it weren't for the fact that I can't live without sweets or my daily dose of calcium, I would've completely sworn off those two for the rest of my life. Even now, my appetite for cake and milk are nowhere near what they used to be.

If you've gotten nothing from my rant then at least understand this much: for the love of whatever the hell you people believe in, stay far, _far_, away from my cake and milk, got it?! I kinda want to have a birthday where I'm not reminded of all the 'kinky birthday sex' things that you write about how I lather my lover with things I'd rather eat off a plate or drink from a bottle. So sure, if you really like playing with your food so much, then have fun playing with it all you want, but keep your hands off my stuff, okay? I'd like to get my appetite so that I can eat the birthday cake Kasuka's giving me…

_**An Angry Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Izaya, care to talk about how 'inhuman' I am to my face? Oh, wait, or will your delicate soul be shattered by the ugliness of my countenance? Fuck you, Izaya. Go listen to Kadota and leave me alone, dammit._

_P.P.S. The next person to type up kinky shit about how much I love eating things off the flea's naked figure can expect to wake up in a hospital a month from now. Or even longer, depending on how angry you damn idiots make me…_

_P.P.P.S. If anyone dares to interrupt my birthday arrangements with my brother, they're going to die._

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**_A/N: _**_...You'd think that the author wouldn't pit the characters they're portraying against themselves, but it seems like this isn't so... Anyhow, I'm going to apologize to the two notable authors whose cake/milk play I just rather explicitly alluded to here; if you're one of the two unnamed individuals and you'd rather not have me include your story idea here, then please message me and I will remove it immediately. With that aside, though, I shall thank everyone for reading this letter and hope everyone has a good time celebrating our favourite anger-challenged fake blonde, while awaiting any potential fodder that will feed my hungry plot bunnies~_

[By the way, updates will cease to become daily from now on. I'm amazed that I've been able to write at this pace, but school starts in a few hours' time and I will probably be too swamped with work to update as regularly as I have... but I promise to update as quickly as I can (with the aid of reviews and willpower, of course~)]


	9. Celty Sturluson, Fairy Rights Activist

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, other than the minority of the cliches in this story and the letters themselves...**

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

I don't really have anything against anyone here —if anything, I would say that I admire how people can write about all these various things— but there's something that has been irritating me slightly. It's nice how all of you seem to accept me for who I am and I'm very grateful that you would include me alongside my friends in your stories, yet nonetheless, I think I need to tell everyone about something that they seem to misunderstand.

You all probably know that I love my Coiste-Bodhar, Shooter, very much; he's been with me for such a long time that I can't even remember how long we've been together anymore, and he's always been by my side through my journey to find my lost head. Were it not for my boyfriend, Shinra, I would probably love Shooter the most in this world, but you probably know all about how much I care for my horse since you've got all got access to me on the internet. I sure hope that the aliens didn't create those fact files I've found about me on there, though… that would be horrifying.

Anyhow, there are some people out there that don't seem to realize that I am just as human as all the other people I know, even if I am a Dullahan without a head on my shoulders. I find it quite strange how there's people willing to make me do unspeakable things on my motorcycle, like engage in private activities on there… if you get what I mean. Would you really have sex in front of your pet or someone you knew, or inflict unspeakable horrors on someone if your pet or beloved had received a tiny scratch on them? I would never do either to my poor 'motorcycle', because I respect his privacy and he respects mine, and as much as I would be enraged if someone hurt him, I know that I would never go over-the-top unless the situation demands it. After all, I am a human at heart, even if most of Ikebukuro (and the wider world) try to ignore my humanity.

I really don't want to annoy or hurt anyone when I ask you all to be more considerate of my long-held affection and friendship with my beloved Coiste-Bodhar, but I really don't want to be seen as an inhuman being by everyone, even if some of you recognize my human nature. I do not do the shameless things you think I do in front of Shooter, nor do I become possessed by inhuman emotions whenever a single hair on his head is hurt, so it would be nice if, in the future, everyone kept that in mind. It's strange reading about myself in your stories but I really enjoy how everyone lives such nice lives and try to fit me into their ideal worlds, so I really don't want my enjoyment or anyone's perceptions become skewed by the false things that people say.

Well, good luck with everyone's future works, and I hope to read about everything that your mind creates~ Just don't drag Shooter into anything dangerous or subject me to an alien invasion, okay?

_**Celty Sturluson**_

_P.S. Kadota's right, Shinra, nobody will fight with you for my affection because you've already got it… so stop telling people about your love for me, it's embarrassing enough as it is._

_P.P.S. Shizuo, if Izaya's annoying you again, don't take it out on him. You've come too far for him to push you down again. I'm here for you and you know that, so come talk to me sometime. He's not worth getting angry over._

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_For those who don't know, the motorcycle/headless horse that Celty owns is formerly known, in Irish lore, as a 'Coiste-Bodhar'- hence Celty's description of Shooter as such._

**_A/N:_**_ I've forgotten what normality means these days, so if our favourite Dullahan doesn't seem like how she would be, then I'm more than happy to admit to that fault here... though, thankfully enough, I haven't incurred her annoyance from messing with her humanity in regards to Shooter just yet. Um, well, once again, thanks for reading this letter and continuing to show support for this fledgling fanfiction collection, and I hope that you'll look forward to the next chapter, whenever that pops up, and leave a few pieces of idea-shaped carrots in the shape of reviews for my plot bunnies~_


	10. Ryūgamine Mikado, Apologetic

**Disclaimer: I still own practically nothing (other than the letters and my imagination...)  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, for asking how Mikado would react to being gay as well. I wasn't sure how he'd react, seeing as it'd be strange to stutter and become typically flustered in a letter format, so I tried to work about that. I hope it was somewhat close to what you thought it would be, Blu-chan~**  
**

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_**To All Fanfiction Writers,**_

I apologize for having to write this letter to everyone here as my subject isn't one that everyone is concerned with, so I'll try and take up as little of everyone's time as possible while I quickly explain something that is of importance to me. If you are not at fault, then please don't feel obliged to read what I have to say –not that anyone but myself is at fault for this– so if you do wish to read my comments, I only hope that I do not speak in an offensive manner and that my complaints will not come across as too self-centred. This is only a small and petty complaint on my part, in any case.

While I was reading all those fantastic stories that all those creative minds like yours write, I couldn't help noticing that there was something a little unsettling that I found in a few of those stories; namely, you seem to have mistaken my… personal preferences… in a romantic partner. I'm sorry for not ever making this clear, but I should say that I only like one person in the world in the ways that you describe me to like and she is definitely female, so it's just slightly discomforting to see myself written up as a person who loves men. Everyone is entitled to their imaginations and I really don't want to make anyone feel any less of themselves because of what I've written here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm not into males, as some of you think I am.

Well, I suppose it's reasonable to say that anyone would be annoyed by having their… partner orientation… misrepresented by other people. I'm not saying that I'm annoyed, though; I just wanted to say that I would like to clear up any misunderstandings and hope that people stop wanting me to… bat for the other team, as some like to say. In any case, I'm only a high-school student and I'm not really allowed to do the things some of you graphically describe because I'm underage, so that's a factual inaccuracy that you might want to note. Not that I'm trying to force you to think any differently, though! I'm just saying it might be better if the stories were more… realistic?

There's really nothing I can do and nothing that I can say about the issue because everyone is entitled to what they want to believe… I just wanted to say that I would rather not be portrayed in such a way. I can understand if you would rather believe that my happiness does not lie with the person I feel the most affection for in the world, but I wish that you would take the time to think a little, about if you yourself would want to have someone tear apart your very being like that. I'm not saying that you're going to tear me apart by abiding to your standard, so please don't misunderstand me when I say this. I just want to make it quite clear that I am fine with whatever goes on, so long as I am treated like how everyone would treat themselves.

I'm really very sorry when I say that I didn't intend for this letter to be so long, or to waste the amount of time that I have; I won't hold anything against anyone if they're sick and tired of my words by now. I'll just repeat one last thing, to clear things up, and then allow everyone to go back to what they were doing before: I'm not a homosexual and I don't think I'll ever be, and I would beg you all to leave my romantic life as it is. Please, if it is at all possible, don't place such material where anyone can access embarrassing and misleading information about myself (because I'm sure that nobody appreciates that at all)…

_**Yours Faithfully, Ryuugamine Mikado**_

_P.S. Why does everyone seem to communicate to each other in the postscript section? Letters are supposed to be confidential... not that I'm suggesting anything, of course! I was just curious…_

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**_A/N: _**_Pfft, trying to make someone timid and assertive at the same time is hard... and writing up a chapter after a gruelling day of too much work and not enough sleep is harder still, but at least I managed somehow. Please do tell me if there are any mistakes that I, in my befuddled state, didn't pick up on... but otherwise, thanks for reading this letter and I hope that it was enjoyable to everyone (and that some virtual idea-carrots will be left for my plot bunnies' rumbling tummies)~_


	11. Ikebukuran Ukes, Defending 'Man'kind

**Disclaimer: Ah, you all know the drill, right? Just look at the first chapter for full disclaimers, I guess...**

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_**~Dear Fanfiction Writers~**_

There are some of us out there that attempt to keep ourselves purely masculine, but quite a number of you subvert the gender image that we work so hard to portray ourselves as. As much as we _love_ taking things up the ass and succumbing to the somewhat-inevitable fate that you have placed us into, we dislike how the level that you've lowered us to in your perceived fantasies. Though there are some of us that are too demure to fight against the cast that you force us into, we have come together as a group to protest against our unwanted roles, and to speak up for ourselves. After all, at the rate that some of us dare to speak out at, nobody will listen to our heartfelt emotions.

So, if you would all be so kind to look at what each of us have to say, then that would be appreciated.

~#~#~#~#~

_I'm quite sure that I've said something about this in one of my previous letters, but I suppose that my attentiveness towards humanity is not one that my precious humans like to reciprocate, so I'll make it a little clearer here. I am not Shizuo's bitch, for the protozoan to do as he pleases with me, nor am I Shiki's substitute for his supposedly lustful desires- in fact, I'd just like to say that I'm my own master, to do as I please with my own destiny. Gods do not bow down before mere mortals or beastlings, and neither do I, so do keep that in mind, humans. You should all know that I won't hesitate to punish the few that attempt to go against my absolute word, so don't test my patience~  
_[Orihara Izaya]

~#~#~#~#~

_You've seen me flirting with beautiful girls on the street and praising all the perfections that I behold in the ladies I often see passing me by, but that doesn't mean that I could ever become the wondrous women that I notice around me. Alas, as sad as it is to say this, I am merely a humble male with the complete inability to ever be the big-breasted and lusciously curvy individuals that I have the pleasure of viewing every day. I guess that means that I will never be the receptacle of compliments about my feminine charms to that Izaya bastard and Heiwajima-san, but I think I can live with that. Actually, I'd rather live life without ever knowing what love with those two are like, thank you very much.  
_[Masaomi Kida]

~#~#~#~#~

_I moved from Saitama to find a new life in Ikebukuro, where things would be exciting and out of the ordinary… but I really didn't want to be subjected to the fantasies that you've all imposed of me. I don't mean to belittle everyone's thoughts by voicing my own opinions on this whole issue __I wouldn't have spoken up at all unless Kida-kun convinced me to__ yet, for the sake of what I feel is right, I must tell everyone quite frankly about what I think. I do not like literal pains in the behind from having something foreign stuck up it, and I refuse to be treated like a female. I'm really sorry for saying all this, though. I really don't mean to offend anyone when I wrote what I felt…  
_[Ryūgamine Mikado]

~#~#~#~#~

Well, with all that being said, we can safely assume that our love lives will stay untouched by the many that choose to utterly destroy our masculine personalities and attempt to force us into dresses for the sake of the yaoi fandom… right? We wouldn't want to see anyone getting injured by accident because of a certain informant's anger, after all, or for any people to disappear inexplicably due to a certain gang leader's intervention. Our intentions are merely peaceful and all we wish for is our masculinity back, and nothing more. It's not too hard to give us this much, is it?

_**~Regards, the Ikebukuran Ukes~**_

_P.S. If anyone would be so kind as to sign our attached petition to completely phase out the unwanted belittling of unfortunate males, that would be most appreciated._

_P.P.S. Although we're a fledgling community of oppressed men, we are more than willing to add members to our minority group. If you are a male with your masculinity being subverted, please contact Orihara Izaya at one of his offices for the conditions of entry~_

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**_A/N: _**_To be honest, I couldn't actually identify any of the other males (that I know well in Durarara) as ukes; Shizuo is predominately the seme, Kadota is more of a seke than anything, and Kasuka/Togusa/Walker etc. don't particularly have quirks that I'm acquainted with... however, if you think that I should include other males into this letter, then please don't hesitate to tell me, and I'll see what I can do. Anyhow, thank you for reading this letter and this random ramble, and I hope that you enjoyed the letter and that you'll look forward to the next letter (and drop some virtual cabbages off for my hungry plot-bunnies)~_


	12. Sonohara Anri, In Possession Of A Spine

**Disclaimer: ...Please look at the first chapter for the full disclaimer. I am too tired to think up an edited version of it...  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who requested me to write about Anri-chan. I had a bit of a hard time trying to scan through stories to find typical Anri cliches, but I think this was one that popped up a fair bit (and that I was somewhat guilty of in my stories) so here you go, Blu-chan~

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

I apologize for writing this letter –I had not intended to write this until Mikado-kun urged me to stand up for my image on my behalf– yet I continue to write word after word on this page. It's unreasonable of me to request anything in the position that I am in, especially considering that I myself do not read stories about how I appear in your imaginations, but there is something that I have heard, which I am a little concerned about. Forgive me for taking up everyone's time with my grievances… I will try to make this as quick as I possibly can so that nobody's time is wasted.

Mikado-kun has mentioned that quite a number of people have portrayed me as completely subservient to the views of others, especially Saika-san. I find it a little odd how people would think I would be too meek to stand up for myself in any situation, regardless of the circumstances, and I suppose that I should say something about this. As most of you seem to know –though how you do is slightly beyond me– Saika-san and I do not have the same relationship that it wishes to have with the rest of mankind. Instead of leeching off my emotions and controlling my mind like Saika-san normally does to humans, it cannot control me; in fact, I can shut it out in a way that most people cannot, because of my past and a few other things which are beside the point. As well as that, there are times when I have been able to defend myself against antagonistic characters like Orihara-san… but you all probably know that from your strange sources.

I'm very sorry for what I've to say next, but I will not take comments lying down, as half of you are to believe I do. There are instances where I have defended myself without backing down and there are many more instances where I have adequately remedied situations, so please do not assume that I am merely a clockwork doll that is at the bidding of anyone who cares to walk over me. Just like many other people happen to have, I too have my beliefs and notions in life that I will steadfastly stand up for, and my emotionless and deferential demeanour is an integral part of me that I do not wish to have exaggerated and overly manipulated by writers for their own entertainment.

Please excuse me for my outburst and my expressions of indignation at my situation; I do not mean to offend anyone when I attempt to display my views to everyone on my situation. I only wish to make it clear to everyone present that I am not spineless at all times and that I am merely timid, not a pushover for the world to trample upon. Perhaps it may be too much to ask, but it would be nice if people were to, at the very least, not worry my friends about my self-image, and portray my nature in a more truthful manner. Maybe then Mikado-kun will stop stuttering apologies and worrying about my supposedly hurt feelings as I write down my thoughts on this page…

_**Regards, Sonohara Anri**_

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_**A/N: **...Anri's a tough cookie to write about, I have to admit, but hopefully I did her characterization justice in this letter. Well, before I collapse into my bed after combined late birthday/Chinese New Year celebrations, I'll just take the time to thank everyone for reading this latest letter and hope that everyone will look forward to the next letter, as well as drop a few bits of fodder for my busy plot bunnies~_


	13. Izaya & Shinra, Friends Without Benefits

**Disclaimer: ...I own nothing, okay? _Nothing _(or, well, check the first chapter for details)  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who requested a Shinra/Izaya fic some time ago. I finally got inspiration to write it an hour before I was supposed to be asleep, so I stayed up past my time to deliver this before I dropped asleep on my keyboard or forgot to upload it. Hope you like it, Blu-chan~!**  
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_**Greetings, Fanfiction Writers!**_

Alas, the world seems to be against my undying love for my beloved Celty, for it seems that there are a select number of you that refuse to accept my whole-hearted devotion to her. Instead of letting my honey and I indulge in our lovey-dovey life with each other and go about the daily business that our colourful underground existence lends to us, there are a strange group of you that think I would be better off without her. How, exactly, could I live my content life without my cute headless dear in my arms, elbowing the life out of me every few seconds while a delicate pink flush stains her invisible cheeks? What possesses you all to think that I would find any of the joys I constantly see in my ethereal fairy… in my strange friend Izaya?

Well, I can't say that I dislike him, though I do admit that I find him a little annoying; perhaps you've all heard this before, but Izaya is someone that is true to his ideals and I admire that, as twisted as his ideals happen to be. The fact that I admire him as a friend does not necessarily mean that I like him romantically, though –I'm not sure if you realize this, writers, but the only one for my heart will be my cute little Celty– so I must say that I dislike how some of you get in the way of my devoted love to my dearly beloved. What would my honey think if she saw all the things that you see me doing to Orihara-kun? I would rather not know the circumstances, especially when I'm quite happy being madly in love with my dearest Dullahan, so please leave me out of your strange fantasies where I and my friend are in a wonderfully loving relationship, because weren't not together and I don't think we'll ever be, if he and I get our ways. I'm sure that Izaya would much rather be with one of his 'precious humans' anyhow.

Although I'm pleased to see that most of you agree that I should be in a lifelong relationship with my sweetest Celty, I have to say that I can't agree with the minority that reject my pure (and not-so-pure) intentions to live happily with my dearest for the rest of eternity. To be honest, I could probably care less about what you do with me, but under no circumstances must anyone show their work to Celty. After all, if my loving relationship breaks down with her because of all the curious situations that you envision between my friend and I, I will be a little inclined to angered revenge for the ruination of my perfect life.

If that's all clear to everyone, then I guess I'd better go mail this letter off before Celty reads this and breaks my ribs with her embarrassed yet endearing elbowing~!

_**Sincerely, Kishitani Shinra**_

_P.S. If you think my threats are empty, then wait 'til you see what Orihara-kun has to say about the matter. Oh, and I'm not going to fix up anyone that happens to be injured by him because of this~_

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_**Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

Did you really think that my affections were tailored towards a specific being, my precious human race, just like how Shinra is inclined to think while he defends himself against your imaginative works? Ah, how you all wound me so! It's flattering that all of you are jealous enough to incense me to writing a letter to deny my supposed relationship with my friend, but you could simply tell me next time if you are lacking my all-encompassing love, okay? My love for mankind _only_ extends to each and every individual that falls under the category of humanity, so it is only fair that I keep my horizons widened for all who deserve my love to take of it what they will~

I would never get my hands dirty with the blood of others, no matter how much that silly Shinra would like to think otherwise… though I should probably say that he is somewhat correct in his meaningless rambling to the world. Has anyone ever considered that my love is too broad to focus on my only human friend and that said friend's love is too centred on the Black Motorcyclist to ever extend to myself? I know that I am devilishly handsome and a sinful temptation to any human that has ever walked the face of the planet but alas, my friend has eyes for none other than his so-called 'beloved Celty'. My, to think that he would forgo his girlfriend, the one that he fawns over incessantly, for his friend, who he left to bleed in a hospital someplace far away! What preposterous ideas you humans have at times, and what magnificent imaginations each of you writers possess!

With all seriousness, though, I cannot have such fantastical stories leaked out to the rest of humanity, lest they regard me as an insincere being who pours hollow words of affection to them, and I cannot have certain sensitive ears –like Shizu-chan's– hearing such falsities. It's perfectly fine to cultivate your wilful dreams in the confines of your mind and even share them to other like-minded individuals, because humanity would not be what it is without the creative diversity that our genes pour into the gene pool, but I do not wish to see such stories ever again. It would be unfortunate to dispose of humans that disobey their God's sincere and kind warnings, but if it is necessary then I must do my duty with a heavy heart.

So let's keep ourselves civil and leave oddly groundless rumours in our minds, yes? That would benefit us all, I would think, and allow everyone to return to their wonderfully mundane lives with a clear mind and a light conscience~

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Shinra, you do realize that you'll owe me yet another favour for disposing of our mutual hindrances, right? I hope you've got enough time and money on your hands if you realize what you've gotten yourself into~_

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**_A/N:_**_ Ah, I'm too tired to come up with anything... damn morning classes and maths homework. Anyhow, I do hope that everyone enjoyed this letter (enough to leave a review, perhaps? Just for the hungry/busy plot bunnies) and that they enjoy the next one when it comes, so yeah... that's all for now, I think~_

**[**Edited for minor grammatical errors, which appeared thanks to the fact that I typed this up with a blinding headache about half an hour after my supposed rest-time**]**


	14. Karisawa Erika, Ultimate Shizaya Fan

**Disclaimer: I don't think I own a time machine that'll allow me to create Durarara, this story idea and the majority of these cliches first... so as sad as it is to admit this, I don't own any of the formerly listed items.**

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_**To My Dear Fanfiction Writer Friends:**_

I had once thought that I was alone in my land of BL because no matter where I went, nobody would appreciate the beauty of intertwined male forms… but I am so glad to find that I'm alone no longer in my appreciation of my real-life yaoi pairings~! No matter what Yumacchi and Dotachin said, I had held firm in my conquest to prove Shizaya to be true, and my wish has finally been granted by all you talented souls out there. Oh, the beautiful illustrations which cover your stories and the various forms of passionate love that exists in your words! I think I nearly died of a nosebleed when I first chanced upon all the fanfiction and fanart that would readily put mine to shame~

As fellow fujoshi striving towards the perfect image of the anime world, I have to ask about the things you write about in your stories- are they all simply figments of your imaginations or did you actually catch Shizu-chan and Izayan in the acts that you all so descriptively depict? I've been spending _forever_ trying to find concrete evidence of their passionate relationship behind their outer mask of antagonism towards each other, but no matter what I do, I never manage to set eyes on their intertwined forms in a deserted alleyway or their crashing lips on an isolated rooftop.

It's sad, really, because verbal confessions will never work when ShizuShizu is an unstable bomb that explodes whenever 'that flea's' name is uttered and IzaIza simply goes on and on about how his Shizu-chan is a monster and all he loves are humans, so physical evidence is the only way to go. Then again, all they ever do is throw tantrums (as well as knives and traffic signs and vending machines and various secret messages of love) towards each other, so any possibilities of me ever catching them together is much slimmer than your chances at catching them together, because they know that I love them but they certainly don't know that you love them together too~

Anyhow, it doesn't matter if anyone has evidence of their overwhelming love for each other, because we all know that Shizaya is a real concept that will continue to exist regardless of the opposition of the majority of the world. I'm not sure why Shizu-chan and Izayan continue to deny their attraction towards each other when there's so much support for their hidden love, but I suppose they will rise anew as the strongest couple of Ikebukuro when they officially get together, like we're all expecting them to do soon. For those who are discouraged by their flat-out denial in their previous letters, don't lose heart; ShizuShizu is too tame to really hurt anyone unless they threaten him first, and IzaIza is simply deeply mired in denial.

In any case, let us all stand firm in our love for our favourite yaoi pairing and exalt in the BL that exists in our day and age, and continue to write more wonderful fanfiction about their hidden desires for each other. I'm sure that they'll come to realize their deep adoration for each other one day, but until then, we must persist in promoting acceptance of their beautiful lovey-dovey life together and forcing them to realize the truth that they try all too hard to deny!

_**Yours Truly, Karisawa Erika**_

_P.S. Shizu-chan, Izayan, this is our prompt from your fangirls to come out of the closet already. Of course, we can always use other methods to help you along as well…_

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**_A/N:_**_ Well, there's a happy fanfiction participant if I've ever seen one; I don't think I've ever really seen Karisawa thrown out of her depth in terms of yaoi (because it's all just a dream come true for her) so, well, here's a bit of a happy letter for once. Random comment on the nature of this latest installment aside, though, I have to thank everyone for reading this chapter once again, and hope that you'll look forward to the next letter and, perhaps, drop off something from the virtual vegetable garden for my foraging plot-bunnies~_


	15. Shizuo & Izaya, Haters Gonna Hate

**Disclaimer: Nope, still haven't gotten that time machine yet... nor the rights to anything else I don't own in the 1st chapter...**

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_**You Damn Fanfiction Writers,**_

What part of my everyday activity towards the flea makes you think that I have nothing against that damn nuisance? There is a reason why we say we hate each other and it's not because we secretly love each other, like Kadota's friend thinks, it's because we actually _hate each other's guts_. As much as you all think I'm a monster without a conscience and with an absolute inability to be human, I am actually human, and I would show my affection as normal people would, not by yelling hateful insults and trashing the city while chasing my so-called 'beloved' around. See, even if I'm the 'strongest of Ikebukuro' and I'm famous for my fiery temper, my friends and my brother can testify to my placid nature when someone isn't trying to shove their idiocy in my face.

Okay, the point is that I hate the goddamn flea, got it?! I do not fantasize about doing kinky shit to the guy, like defiling my cake on his scrawny excuse of a body and sticking vibrating plastic up his arse like an experienced pervert would. I would never imagine myself taking him roughly against a brick wall and grunting in animalistic pleasure as I do whatever the hell you people make me do to him. The thought of whispering sweet nothings into his ear and watching as he blushes and leans in for a kiss is disturbing enough to the point where I would probably need to bleach my brain as well as my hair afterwards if I were to imagine it. I hate his face, his voice, his personality and his entire existence and, in fact, I would be more than happy if you could keep your gossipy little noses out of my love life and go annoy the flea for a change, since he's been begging for human attention anyway.

That reminds me, though- if I'm a protozoan, like that flea tries to maintain whenever he's taunting me around 'Bukuro, then why would he love me to begin with? He's the one that loves humans, not whatever the hell he thinks I am, and I'm the one that likes older woman, not smarmy younger males with nothing better to do in their life than ruin everyone else's. I have a healthy measure of self-preservation and I'm quite sure that those knives, with repeated application, will probably kill me beyond Shinra's repair, so if it's not too much trouble for all of you then I think my life would be better off without that flea's affection. From what I've heard, he claims he loves the human race and regularly talks people into killing themselves and ruining their lives, so if his love is like that then for all I care, he can lavish it upon some other unfortunate soul. I like life, thank you very much.

So if you get what I'm saying already, then get the hell back to your stories and fix them up already, before I go over there and throw your laptop out the country. There is no way I will ever be in love or in a functional relationship with that bastard, even if it's in a figment of your imaginations, and there's a very good possibility that I'll back up my word with my fists and overwhelming fury. Well, that's my first and last warning, I guess…

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Karisawa, keep your damn manga to yourself… and what the hell do you mean, 'come out of the closet'? And stop calling me stupid names like that flea does._

_P.P.S. Izaya, write anything encouraging those stupid comments that these writers keep on writing, and I'll make sure I finish the job Vorona stopped me from doing earlier…_

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_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

For once in my life —I wish you had not driven me to this loathsome resolution— I have to agree with Shizu-chan when he says that we are, and never will be, in love with each other. I had thought that I had made it quite clear to everyone that my love was reserved for the entirety of the human race, but it seems that, alas, some of you humans have slight tendencies to manifest your jealousy in strange ways. No matter how much the inhuman blonde might want to traipse around town with his destroyed public property and try to beat me dead, I will stay happily alive and taunting his brainless figure while making sure his life is a living hell, not paradise on earth. After all, my love is exclusively for the human race and, contrary to the protozoan's incorrect comments, I dote upon the mortals that make life so very interesting for me… and nobody else.

I'm quite sure that the feelings of utter hatred that I direct towards the brute is quite adequately reciprocated by the angry little beast, so why does everyone persist in misrepresenting our hurtful banter to be supposedly loving gestures? Shizu-chan probably wouldn't know what love was if it decorated itself in neon lights and paraded in front of his figure for him to see, so there's probably no way that he could ever disguise his so-called 'love' for me in his physical manifestations of anger. Well, I can admit that I am attractive and that, for a deprived being like the unloved Neanderthal, anything that looks remotely like his species would be suitable for his mating standards, but I happen to love humanity and be into better things than bestiality, so I suppose I must decline any advances that he might pull on me.

Besides, it probably has come to your attention –just as it had come to mine all those years ago– that Shizu-chan cannot lie for peanuts… or any sort of cancer stick or sweet, for that matter. His brain, if it exists at all, is probably too primitive to construct lies of any sort, and he falls for the simplest tricks and takes sarcasm for honesty, so how could someone like him possibly hide something from me for the eight or so years we've spent trying to eliminate one another? If somebody could construct a device that can read beast-emotions and utilize it on the brute, I'd be more than happy to see if his feelings to me are anything other than absolute loathing, so come visit me sometime if you ever get the results of our little experiment~

Until then, though, I shall continue to launch sugar-coated insults and shiny little knives at the protozoan and hope that he drops dead from cancer or diabetes one day, because that will probably be the best outcome to our ongoing fights. I must say that, in all seriousness, the monster and I will never be in a relationship that involves anything other than blind rage and cold amusement, so I suppose that, for the time being, your ships are not particularly canon (as they say these days). It's always wonderful to see how humans have the ability to delude themselves, but I would rather take everyone out of their delusions, like the Good Samaritan that I am, and steer them along the right path. It's always fun to live in fantasies, but we've got to stop sometime soon, right~?

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Pssh, Shizu-chan, your resolve is too weak to end our little game in your favour. I will always triumph over you, no matter the situation~_

_P.P.S. Karisawa-san, you'd better hope you've got undetectable copies of your manga and fanmade material saved up, because it's all going to disappear soon…_

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**_A/N: _**_So it may or may not come as a surprise to people that I myself am a Shizaya fan... which was why I had all the more fun writing out this scathing letter to shoot down my OTP... oh well, such is life, I guess~ This could be considered a possible response letter to Erika's fangirling one (though I'm planning to write another reply letter, as recommended by the reader I will be dedicating it to) so yeah, extra information for you all, I suppose. Anyhow, before I get keyboard imprints on my face, I'd like to thank everyone for reading once again, and hope that everyone will look forward to the next letter, as well as lend a hand in feeding my tired little plot bunnies~_

**[**Edited for minor grammatical mistake, as of 11th Feb '14**]**


	16. Yumasaki Walker, Straight-Laced Otaku

**Disclaimer: Alas, my hypnotic skills are non-existent, so any hopes of me ever convincing Ryohgo Narita, PhoenixDiamond or DRRR fanfic writers to give their ideas up to are almost nil in this respect... hence why I still don't own Durarara, this story idea or the majority of these cliches  
Dedicated To:** The Lazy Bitch, who asked how Walker would respond to Erika's fangasm/rant about Shizaya. Walker was a bit of an anomaly because there really isn't much on him in terms of personality, so forgive me if this wasn't what you'd envisioned... but I hope that it's still enjoyable, regardless of my skills (or lack thereof)~

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_**Ciaossu, Fanfiction Writers!**_

It's amazing how there are so many people in the world that share our perspective on the glorified world of anime, though there are a few things that I am a little wary about… like how the majority of fanfiction out there seems to revolve around the strange fandom of yaoi. I can understand how the sparkles of shoujo and the action of shounen, among many other riveting genres of manga/anime, can be appealing to the creative mind, but I cannot understand how the majority of the people devoted to our world can twist our very characters into a reverse harem completely comprised of males. Karisawa-san may be a devoted boy's love fan that will go to great lengths to confirm her fantastical imaginations as the absolute truth, but I had imagined her as the only one that would rant at length about a pairing that can never accept as my reality. Namely, the Shizaya pairing.

Although I find it admirable that you all chose to live in the 2D world, I must disagree with everything that has been said thus far by my yaoi-obsessed counterpart, because there is no indication that those two will ever love each other. There are scarcely any couples that fight day in and day out without pause in their antagonistic ways, and the probability of two people with contradictory sexual preferences suddenly throwing all away for their life is an outcome that I have only seen in a select few tankōban of manga, so what are the chances that Shizuo-san and Izaya-san will ever get together? As much as I hate to disagree with my lifelong companion, I cannot accept the plausibility of real-life yaoi, especially when it appears in the form of violent fights and scathing remarks, and I have to confess myself disappointed at everyone's inability to stop dabbling in the impossible.

Yes, I do realize that Karisawa-san and I constantly indulge in a supposedly false belief that we can become one with the universes of our favourite manga/anime characters, but I also realize certain parts of fantasy as complete falsities, and the realm of boy's love is one of them. There have been various instances where I have chanced upon my good friend's doujinshi and had the urge to find a time-reversing or memory-erasing genjutsu, but I have never seen her in the calamitous frenzy that your fanart and fanfiction have plunged her into. Were it not for your active imaginations that nearly rival our own, she would not be in the crazed state that she is currently immersed in. Ah, if only people did not write such strange tales that captive my fellow otaku so.

I don't hold grudges against anyone for liking the yaoi genre, though; the reason for a diversity of genres in the 2D world, after all, is specifically so that everyone can find and identify with their own genres. With that being said, though, I would appreciate it if you somehow managed to hide your yaoi doujinshi and stories from Karisawa-san, or until she manages to calm down enough to discuss the latest arc of Kuroshitsuji. There really isn't anyone else I can discuss these matters with, and it's disheartening to talk to someone who could care less about what you're saying…

_**Best Wishes, Yumasaki Walker**_

_P.S. Karisawa, please don't let Izaya find my stash of manga… and don't use them to torture anyone without my permission, okay? There was a reason that Kadota pulled us out from the darkness, and it wasn't so that we could willingly return to it…_

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**_A/N: _**_Well, just as a mini-challenge of sorts, if anyone can get the 3 hidden anime/manga references (I was going to say 4, but it's named and it's rather glaringly obvious...) then they can get a virtual basket of cookies and a fluffy plot-bunny plushie to call their very own... because I am really good at thinking up gifts and all that jazz. Anyhow, random puzzle aside, I just wanted to thank everyone for reading this letter collection so far and for all the support that I have gotten so far -because, man, I was expecting practically no reviews when I started, and look where I am now- and I hope that everyone will look forward to the next chapter and drop some snack food off for my working plot-bunnies~_


	17. Yagiri Namie, Fighting For Love

**Disclaimer: ...Nup, still don't own anything other than the letters and my brain...  
NOTE: **I had a chapter pre-written, but then I don't know where I've misplaced my USB... so here's a bit of a filler letter instead?

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

Let me keep this simple and to the point, so that we don't waste either your or my time, since I'm sure we all have better things to do in life. You probably have your miserable works to work on or your silly stories to read, whereas I have to utilize my time wisely so that I can rid myself of a few nuisances and return my love back to my side… permanently.

Basically speaking, I have researched fanfiction sites in the hope that I would be able to find something about myself and my beloved Seiji, yet all I find is disgusting writing about how I am completely in love with that pest, Izaya, or someone that isn't my dear brother. Have I not made it clear that I have always held nobody else but my family in the highest regard? I do not care for my boss, who I would gladly poison if I could get the chance, and I have already gone to great lengths to disfigure and dispose of Harima Mika, though I have ended up failing on my first attempt. If this does not make it clear to anyone that I am interested in nobody else, other than my baby brother, then perhaps I will need to become a little more persuasive in my actions. I have been told that I am very talented when it comes to getting my way, after all…

If that is not enough to convince everyone of my rather blatant point then I suppose I should enlighten the more clueless readers of my letter's intent. In simplistic terms: I love Seiji. Seiji does not equate to Izaya, my annoyance of a boss, or any other characters that choose to get in the way of my affection for my brother. If you persist in writing up falsities about my supposed relationships with other insignificant inconveniences that are not my brother, then I will be taking drastic measures to ensure that my love will not be hindered, which you would probably rather not know of. In basic terms, I suppose I should say this: leave me alone, and I will be fine with you… but cross my path, and expect to be ill-disposed within the next 24 hours…

_**Yagiri Namie**_

_P.S. If you dock my pay, Izaya, I will make your life miserable, as you very well know… so don't even think about it. Who knows, you may get your 'secret kinks' fulfilled by Yagiri Pharmaceuticals…_

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**_A/N:_**_ I had planned to do Namie later on in the series, but as you can see from the note above, my forgetfulness has finally caught up to me and I had misplaced an item that I had barely gotten a fortnight ago. Well, while I go away and mope about the potential loss of my USB with all my fanfiction data, I hope that everyone has enjoyed this chapter as much as I had fun racking my brains over it, and that you'll look forward to the next letter (as well as drop off some food for my plot-bunnies too)~_


	18. Rokujō Chikage, Defender Of Honour

**Disclaimer: Nope, I still haven't been gifted with the powers of magic... so I guess I still don't own anything much...  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who wondered how Chikage would be with a letter of his own; this was supposed to be posted up yesterday, but a series of unfortunate events led to it being posted today, instead. I couldn't find much on his personality or fanfiction cliches, so I made do with this instead. Hope you like it, Blu-chan~

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_**To The Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Fanfiction World,**_

There seems to be a misunderstanding that I seem to need to clear up about my role in the stories that you wonderful ladies write ─I mean no offence to any gentlemen reading this, but I have a slight feeling that ladies are more inclined to write about what I am addressing in this letter─ and I would be honoured if I could take just a little of your time to plead for a few changes in your exquisite stories. Before I continue any further, though, I would like to affirm that I will not be stating anything of a crude or vulgar nature while I write this, so if there are any worries about strong language in my message, then please do not fear about that; I have taken great care to keep this as civil as possible, and I will stand by my words to the very end, even if editors dare to mess with my writing.

It is probably my fault for never making this particularly clear to the doting ladies out there that read about my exploits in the light novels that I seem to appear in, but the only romantic relationships that I will conduct are between females, and not males. I must apologize for having never explained my status as a devoted male who serves the female populace hand and foot, but perhaps I had assumed that my female entourage, as well as my many girlfriends, were enough of an indication as to my sexual orientation. Indeed, as disheartening as it may seem to the ladies out there who are avid fujoshi, I do not particularly find my passion lying in protecting men or laying down my life for them. After all, my life is for the ladies, not for the gentlemen out there.

Of all the men that the yaoi-loving ladies seem to pair with me, though, I would like to point out the unfortunate circumstances that I have been placed in with a good friend of mine whom I had met in my short stay in Ikebukuro. Kadota is not a lady, as far as I can tell, and he is certainly not particularly interested in me in the way that you ladies write so descriptively about, so as much sorrow as it will cause me to admit that the writers of boy's love are wrong, I have to say that I am not, and will never be, in love with Kadota. It is fine to keep that fantasy to yourselves, if you so wish, but I would be a little hurt by the potential misunderstandings and accidental slander that might arise for my name if such information was to become widespread around my gang's territory, and if not for myself, then I beg that you keep my name pure for my adoring girlfriends and my loyal members.

Perhaps, if I am allowed to hazard a guess, your musings about my romantic relationship with Kadota is simply a manifestation of your creativity in an odd direction, and musings about other topics might help to alleviate the pain that you ladies must feel from having such restrictions placed on your daily conduct and environment. If you would allow me to help you through your time of need, you can always contact me by my number or by paying a visit to my house, of which both the number and the address can be found at the end of this letter. In any case, with all that being written, I hope that I have not offended any ladies reading today, and that I will be of service to all your needs when the time calls for it.

_**Yours Lovingly, Rokuj**__**ō**__** Chikage**_

_P.S. If the writers of the stories concerning myself and Kadota were written by ill-meaning gentlemen, please allow me to challenge you to a match so that I can adequately defend my slandered honour._

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**_A/N: _**_Chikage strikes me as a chivalrous ladies' man with a tendency to act polite whilst in the midst of various negative emotions, but I've never worked with him before so I have no idea whether this is anything like the Chikage that most people are familiar with. In any case, though, I hope that everyone had fun reading this letter, just as I had fun challenging myself to type this up, and I'll see everyone when the next letter comes up (preferably with a few scrap veggies for my plot-bunnies, perhaps~?)_


	19. Ryūgamine Mikado, A Timid Lover

**Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't have that time machine, hypnotic powers or any magical prowess... or anything much else, for that matter...  
Dedicated To:** CapturedByNoodles, who was wondering how Mikado would react to being portrayed as Boss!Kado in various stories. There are actually quite a number of viable responses that I thought he could have, but I guess this one seemed the most natural for him to have (for me, I guess) so hope you like it, Noodles~

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_**To All Fanfiction Writers,**_

I apologize for having to write another letter to express my opinion on yet another topic concerning myself, but I find that I need to clear up something regarding my personality again, so I must beg a little bit of your attention for the time being, until I finish commenting on what I need to say. Just like the last time I wrote to everyone, I have to mention that not everyone is guilty of doing what I'm about to describe in this letter —it's not like anyone committed a crime, in any case— so if you know that you haven't done what I'll be addressing in this letter, then please feel free to skip over my thoughts. It's also not really anything of any great concern to most people anyway, other than myself, so I can understand if my message is simply ignored… though I would rather it were not.

Once again, I found myself scanning over all those stories that your gifted minds manage to come up with, and I discovered yet another troubling misnomer about myself- in more specific terms, I'm talking about my personality. I find it strange how people still don't understand that I do not have a penchant for a… socially unacceptable… relationship, but I find it completely puzzling how people think that I would abruptly change into a different person once I am with my 'beloved'. I'm really very sorry for asking everyone this question, but is my general personality not enough to satisfy the minority of you that tend to think I am into dominating a male partner in bed?

Now that I have made a vague outline of my problem, I should probably expand on what I mean when I say 'a different person' and elaborate on the exact reasons that I am against my portrayal of my so-called 'sadistic' personality online. Although there are a few instances where I accidentally lose control of myself and act in a manner that is contrary to how I usually act, I am, for the most part, not the S&M-loving person that you seem to think I am. I feel really bad for having to say all this to you when it seems that so many of you like to hold onto this belief, but I think that it would be more beneficial to everyone if you tried to stick to the facts, and not portray me in such a strange way. It's gotten to a point where I feel my heart dying and my face rivalling that of a tomato's when I see anything that remotely looks like an evil version of me, and it's really discomforting…

With all that being said, though, I'm perfectly fine if you write your stories and share them with your friends, if they are fine with reading those things too. It's a little strange to have somebody writing about me, especially when they're not really me to begin with, but I have no right trying to censor everyone's thoughts, and so long as no harm is done then I think everything will be okay. If writers could simply take down the comments that they made about my tendency to dominate my friends in… activities for the bed… then that will be good enough for me, I suppose.

_**Yours Faithfully, Ry**__**ū**__**gamine Mikado**_

_P.S. Um… why is everyone being violent? I really don't mean to pry when I ask, I just wanted to know why everyone was throwing threats left and right…_

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**_A/N:_**_ Aha, Mikado's just as naive and passive-aggressive as always, I see... well, completely disregarding the fact that I'm typing this up on behalf of him, though, he's always fun to try and picture, as well as read about. Anyhow, this is more of a wishful dream on my part, but if we somehow manage to get to 50 reviews before my exams come up in a month, I'll see if I can squeeze in a DRRR oneshot of a non-guest's choice (i.e. if the 50th reviewer is a guest, then the 51st reviewer, who is a non-guest, will get this choice). With that aside, though, I guess I'll just use this space to thank everyone for reading this letter once again, and hope that everyone will drop a few words to further inspire my plot-bunnies while the next letter's being churned out~_


	20. Orihara Izaya, Doubting Human Wisdom

**Disclaimer: [insert long waffle from first chapter about owning nothing here]  
Dedicated To:** CapturedByNoodles, who wanted a response letter from Izaya to Namie's scathing comments. Well, I tried to make him conform and answer the letter, but I guess Izaya likes to do what he wants and, well, more human-loving yarn came out instead... but in any case, I hope you like it, Noodles~

* * *

**_My Dear Fanfiction Writers,_**

Ah, it seems that my humans love me less and less these days, what with all these sorry accusations that I get thrown my way. If it's not something about my mistreatment of certain humans in wishing to make their life –or lack of life, if everyone would rather think of it that way– then it's about how I pick on particular humans… like Namie, for example. Well, I would rather spend the time chatting to all the wonderful people out there about how much you should all recognise me as your sovereign god and allow me to benefit the lives of everyone, but I have some pressing matters to deal with now. I'm also afraid that my secretary and I have a dinner to eat, so as much as indulging in my love for humanity has its perks, I would rather not die from food poisoning of some sort~

Well, to put things simply, I suppose, I should say that I don't mistreat any of my beloved humans in any way whatsoever. Sure, you're all convinced that a grown male really shouldn't be acting like a teenage girl online, but humans are hypocrites to begin with and I'm sure that you've all got your little fetishes as well, if your imaginative stories are anything to go by. You're all strangely convinced in the belief that I love driving traumatised girls to their deaths and mistreat any humans that come into contact with me, but that, I'm not particularly sorry to say, is false as well. Why would I mistreat the very beings that I profess my all-encompassing love for, when there are little beasts to tame and more entertaining past-times to indulge in?

With all that being said, I really should emphasize the main point of what I'm trying to convey to my dear naïve mortals, and that is simply that I and my secretary Namie do not attempt to kill each other at every chance we get, nor do we engage in intimate human desires at every twist and turn. Are you writers simply in need of prescription lenses or reading aids that your limited wages cannot afford when you spurn my repeated declarations of love for humanity and insist on testing the limits of my forgiveness for the human race? I must assure you that I do not care for Namie in a way that is any more special than that I share with all fully-fledged humans in the world, so please stop attempting to make me jealous by means that only a protozoan might fall for.

The relationship that I share with Namie is, as you all very well know, one that is more platonic than enemies or lovers, though it cannot be classified like how my relationship with the majority of humanity would be classed as. She threatens to poison my tea and do away with me once I am no longer her boss, and I regularly point out her incestuous nature, but that doesn't could for anything, really, because she's still a human and I am still a god. Humans have their friendships and loves, their ups and downs, but that simply makes you all who you are, right? So don't go changing your love for me to jealousy just because you think my love is not yours, because my affections will always be directed at the entirety of humanity, and that will never change.

Not even if Shizu-chan magically turned from a monster into a human~

**_With Love, Orihara Izaya_**

_P.S. Mikado-kun, do stop pretending to be a single-layered human when we all know you're capable of so much more as the Dollar leader~_

_P.P.S. Ah, Yumasaki-kun, your manga will be safe… so long as Karisawa-san's is nowhere near them._

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**_A/N:_**_ Well, updates will most definitely not be daily anymore, because assignments and my inability to stop procrastinating means that I keep on writing/uploading these letters when I'm supposed to be in bed, and my health is horrible enough as it is without a lack of sleep being thrown into the mix. Anyhow, random toned-down announcement aside, I hope that everyone like Izaya here and that they'll also enjoy the next letter whenever it comes, and that you'll all continue to fatten up my exercising plot-bunnies with a comment or two~_


	21. The Orihara Twins, 'Siblings' At Heart

**Disclaimer: I own... my keyboard? My fingers? This fanfiction account, even? Yeah, I guess that's about right...**

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_**Hello, All Fanfiction Writers!**_

It's really quite sad how there's so very little about us in your stories —all I ever see are Izaya-nii and Shizuo-san going at it like rabbits— but I suppose it's understandable, seeing as Kuru-nee and I would rather not be dragged into any fiascos involving ourselves and another random person who just so happens to be our temporary lover of some sort. Of course, that's not to say that we don't like being in your stories, since any sort of fanfiction about ourselves would probably be most well-written and descriptive about our wonderful venture to merge from a set of twins into the ultimate human being, but that's really beside the point of what I'm trying to write. Well, to begin with, Kuru-nee was writing for a bit, but then she ran out of words to say and ended up going off to exercise so that her chest will become ever the more bouncier and lovely to the touch, which meant that I had to decipher her monosyllabic phrases for cretins like you to understand what she and I are concerned about when we read your stories~

There's nothing wrong with what you people write, apart from the fact that you all laud over Iza-nii's flexibility and stamina both in and out of bed and completely forget about his beauteous siblings hanging off to one side, but I suppose Kuru-nee and I wouldn't be spouting off without reason now, would we? Anyhow, to answer everyone's burning curiosity that surely must've built up by now, I have to say that we don't really appreciate being paired together with anyone other than our dear idol, Yuuhei-san. I mean, really, we're the two biggest fans of the star and we'd even be willing to throw our brother under a truck so we could get Shizuo-san to get us together sometime, so we would never throw away the chance to be with Yuuhei-san so that we could share our incestuous love with our brother. Oh, we love him very much, of course, but he's more into his humans than he is into us at times, and while I'd love to wait for him to act a little better to us, I'd rather continue with my fervent love towards my twin in the hope that we'll merge into one in the near future.

To put things simply so that it's not just Kuru-nee and I who understand our situation fully, I guess I've got to say that no, we don't love anyone else other than Yuuhei-san and each other, and no, Iza-nii can go and die for all we care, so long as we can meet our idol in the flesh. Really now, what possessed your minds to write such nonsense about how my twin's pure love can be warped into a filthy and tainted one with my brother? It's true that he raised us from when we were children to what we happen to be nowadays and that he has showered a great deal of affection onto us throughout our formative years, but with all things considered, that doesn't necessarily mean that we'll just turn into Namie-san and be all incestuous to our elder brother like she is to her younger one. I mean, think about this in your own perspectives: do you really fall in love with your mother because she gave birth to you, or your father for nurturing you until you were independent?

Well, I pretty much ended up rambling out of what Kuru-nee had written down for me to follow, but I'm sure that she'll agree with everything that I say once she comes back from exercising, because there's always ways to coerce someone into accepting what I want… all thanks to dear Iza-nii's interference, of course. I suppose I could rant on more about how much we dislike our dear brother in the romantic sense and hammer home the thought that I and my sister will never be in love with anyone else but who I've stipulated somewhere above, but I think you'll all start burning my letter if I wrote on for any longer. So I guess that's it, for now; until the next time we meet, fanfiction writers, I wish you all good speed in your works and the inclusion of reality in your latest unlikely ventures~!

_**With Great Amity, Mairu (And Kururi) Orihara**_

_P.S. Ne, ne, Iza-nii, don't go around burning all of Karisawa-san's doujinshi! We want to see what perverted things you get up to these days, you know~ It might give inspiration to us as well…_

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**_A/N:_**_ Wow, Mairu sure likes to hear herself talk (or, to be more accurate, I sure like to watch myself type) but however you want to think about it, this was definitely a longer ramble than I'd expected. Before I sign off, though, I should probably clarify my statement from the last chapter; when I said that I wasn't going to update daily, I should've probably said that I wouldn't ALWAYS update daily from now on. Anyhow, since that's been cleared up, I'd just like to thank everyone for their support in reading these letters, not to mention the love I feel from all those reviews/favourites/follows, and I hope that everyone enjoyed reading this letter and will look forward to the next letter. Oh, and don't forget to leave a spare carrot top or cabbage leaf if you've got any for my plot bunnies~_


	22. Shizuo & Tom, Amicable Colleagues

**Disclaimer: Well, what don't I own? I don't own the world, or control of when I live or die. I don't own Durarara, this story idea, or the majority of these cliches. Actually, I don't really own anything at all, now that I think about it. Well, isn't that sad...  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who challenged Shizuo to explain away his romantic affiliation towards his senpai, Tom. Well, Blu-chan, I think Tom's simply trying not to get killed and Shizuo's done a bit more than just defend himself in this letter, so hopefully it'll still fit under that large umbrella of Tom/Shizuo relationships~

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

There's really no need to go and rile up Shizuo when he's clearly not an advocate of violence, so why do you all insist on attempting to anger him when you place him in strange pairings? Even if he did like violence —which is highly unlikely and will only happen when he becomes a delinquent of some sort— there really is no way that you could all beat him up, not when he trains all too regularly with cocky customers and Izaya. Besides, your stories are slightly detrimental to my job, especially when my employee is too angry to control his temper and attempts to create more property damage that my debt-collecting firm has to pay for, so it would be appreciated if you left him alone.

However, with all that being said, I do not express my concern about fanfiction stories for the sake of Shizuo; if anything, my letter is just as much on my behalf as well. I find it quite irritating and just a little discomforting that a minority of you wish to have myself and Shizuo as an official couple, and though it will probably infuriate him more than it does me, I still feel a slight sense of indignity at being subjected to your whimsical fantasies. All that he is to me is a friend that I had the pleasure of making in my junior high school and my current employee, and nothing more. He may be a bit troublesome at times, when he goes off into a rage and attempts to murder everyone in his path with public property, but for the most part he is a good friend. _Not_ a prospective partner for me.

I don't really have much I can say on the matter, though, seeing as I am too busy with my job and the demands that it has on me to care much for the odd stories about my friend and I circulating online. Shizuo will probably have more to say on all this then I do, but for the time being, I think I'll simply rest my case and go back to debt-collecting, before everyone runs away with their leant money and I have to incur their fees on my own part. Until the next time —which I sincerely hope there will not be— please write about something more worthwhile and less detrimental to your health. I don't exactly want to pay for anyone else's hospital bills, not when there are already enough people in the local hospital from my employee's near-uncontrollable rages.

_**Sincerely, Tanaka Tom**_

_P.S. I'm also not responsible for anyone who continues to write letters suggesting anything about Shizuo. I wash my hands of the incidents concerning his damage to other during working hours._

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_**You Damn Fanfiction Writers,**_

First, you talk about my swearing, which doesn't exist. Then, you talk about my funny fetishes for cake and milk during sex, which is completely stupid of you. If that's not enough, you bother to pair me with that bastard flea and write all these things about how we're meant for each other… but now you're all writing about how my senpai and I are somehow going to get together? Now, I know that only stupid people have the right to call other people stupid —and I just did that somewhere in this paragraph— but you people are beyond reason. Even stupid people wouldn't continuously piss people off at the rate that you damn writers do, so you don't deserve to be called stupid. It would be an insult to stupid people like me if I gave you idiots the same label.

My senpai is a good man who gave me a job, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to fall in love with him because I feel grateful to him, okay? He's my boss and besides, I like older _women_, not older men. As much as you think my sunglasses impair my vision, I can see quite clearly that Tom-san is not a woman and that his chest is flat and his pants are filled, so the next person to say something about how much I love him will probably end up in hospital… where neither I nor my friend will be paying the damn bills. It's your own fault that you write nonsense and you should pay for it anyway, so I'm just going to throw you across the city if I even so much as _sniff_ any of you around 'Bukuro. If you're just like the deaf flea and raring for a fight, then I'll just write it here so that you don't need to listen to me growl this over and over again: stay the damn out of my city, and I'll stay the damn away from all of you.

But really, don't you all know that Tom-senpai was the one that helped me with my violence problems before that bastard Izaya-kun came along and ruined my life? He gave me a period in my life where I could pretend I was normal and not some freak with superhuman powers, like I had been forced to live with for most of my existence, and for that I'm eternally grateful. If that wasn't enough, he gave me a job when I got kicked out of the one that Kasuka gave me and he's helped protect me from having to pay all those fees that I incur for property damage, and for that I'm even more grateful, if that's ever possible. He's given me new chances at life and a way to sustain myself without having to kill people all the damn time, so why would I ruin our friendship by doing something completely retarded and coming onto him? You people are just… so… annoying…

{indistinct squiggling across various lines}

Right, so my pen's broken because of you morons and half my page has gone to waste, so thank you very much for ruining my peace for the day, you dumb writers. If I have to see any more of this stupid mess about me and Tom-san on a web-page again, and if Kasuka _ever_ sees any of this, you're all dead. I don't give a damn if I'll be arrested, but nobody gets to make fun of me or my friends, let alone humiliate my brother in such a way. I swear, the next person to write all that stuff about my stupid love for other people will pay dearly for it. And I'm not responsible for the debt you will all have to pay for your stupid meddling.

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. What is with everyone thinking that Izaya and I are together? Did I not make it clear that I hate the stupid bastard?! I swear, you yaoi fans or whatever will be dying soon…_

_P.P.S. Mairu, Kururi, keep talking about me and your idiot brother like that, and you can bet that you'll never get near my brother in this life or the next hundred._

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_**A/N: **This chapter became a little longer than I expected... but I suppose Shizuo's getting a little too angry for his own good nowadays, so it really can't be helped, can it? Anyhow, while I go and mope about my creative writing piece that just got shot down today, I'll just thank everyone in believing in these letters for the time being and hope that everyone enjoyed reading these a great deal more than the marker did reading my work, and I guess I'll get the next letter up sometime in the near future... when my plot bunnies stop nibbling on more creative ideas and pop back to this story series (perhaps by getting a bit of encouragement on the reader's part)~  
_


	23. Mary Sue, Kinsmen Of Balloons

**Disclaimer: I own... a driving license? Well, I suppose I don't own a license for any of those things I still don't own from the first chapter, at least...**

* * *

_**My Dearly Beloved Creators,**_

It's a pleasure to be able to take up mine —or, really, your— time to talk about how wonderful and fulfilling a creation I have been to you all, and I couldn't be more proud of how I have been depicted in your stories. Of course, it's really a given that I should feature in all your most successful stories and that I should capture the hearts of everyone around me, including myself, but since I've taken a bit of a break from my busy life goal in making absolutely everyone fall in love of me, regardless of their sexual orientation or of their preferences, I'll use your time to tell you things that you should be grateful for giving me. After all, my best qualities are all courtesy of you and your abounding love~

Let me first start off by saying how perfect I am, shall I? It's amazing how my eyes shift with the colours of the rainbow to suit whichever character I am guaranteed to seduce and how my hair shifts accordingly too, all without the need to deign pesky hairdressers and optometrists with my beauteous presence. The false sense of innocence and gentle shyness that you all gift me with so that I can lure people in to have them bend to my absolute will is truly helpful for enticing those idiotic men (and women, let's not forget the fairest sex into this) into my sexual escapades. Why, even the way I speak to them, demurely submissive to one and assertively saucy to the other, is just faultless in every way… but then again, I _am_ more of a God of Ikebukuro than Iza-chan could ever be, so it is only expected that I have all the finest features in the world.

Poor Shizu-chan, the uncontrollable ill-tempered man that he is, can simply be tamed by a honeyed word that drips from my lips. One sway of my deliciously proportioned waist, and even the famed Iza-chan, with his chilled heart and conniving ways, swoons straight into my traps. An innocent smile laced with guile is all I need for Ryū-chan to forget his plain little crush, and all I need to be for Kida-chan is to be a female, and he's gone like the rest of Ikebukuro is. Shin-chan, Cel-chan, Anri-chan, Voro-chan… my, I could go on forever and list all the possible ways that they could instantly fall for me, but that would be too wasteful of my time for me to do. Besides, I'm sure that we all get how flawless I am now… because if you don't, then you're clearly a truly heartless being~

Conquests of love and adoration aside, though, I have to mention that having a harem, no matter which gender the occupants may be, is really quite satisfying for my ego. Why, the steady stream of praise that drips continuously from everyone's mouths would have any common mortal blushing to the tips of their ears and have them fending it off with a fascinated horror ill-befitting a true person, but being the magnificent goddess that I am, I take this all in my stride. Shape-shifting features and a variety of personalities are just one of the infinite amounts of perks I benefit from when I have the time of my life sashaying into people's lives and turning their hearts inside out. Really, it's obviously a given that I am everything you all wished for me to be and more, but a little bit of praise from your impeccable creation will obviously make you fall in love with me more, no?

I suppose that I should get back to seducing the pants and skirts off everyone in Ikebukuro that I haven't already seduced in some of your stories, but before I go, I'll just thank everyone again for taking their own time to read this little bit of praise I've constructed for myself (and, by extension, all of you). Well, it was fun reading about me, wasn't it? I mean, I'm sure there's nothing better you'd love to do with your time than use it to direct praise to me~

_**Your Wondrous Being, Mary Sue**_

_P.S. Post-scripts are supposed to be used for any additional comments to the letter, not as a means of communication. Seriously, children, get each other's phone numbers and text each other. Gosh…_

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**_A/N:_**_ I don't know whether I should simply hide under a rock now or just laugh at myself, but I think I'll be doing both in the near future, when I re-read it again for any errors that I possibly didn't pick up on. Well, I have this really horrible suspicion that someone requested for me to do this, but I go over my PM system and for the life of me, I can't remember who it is... so if you're the requester, then please tell me and I'll add the dedication when I can. Anyhow, thanks for reading once again, and I hope that everyone will look forward to the next letter, and drop off any spare bits of salad to my overworked bunnies~_


	24. Shizuo & Kasuka, On Brotherly Love

**Disclaimer: ...I'll think of something later... but in the meantime, go read the disclaimer in the first chapter if you're so inclined~  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu & The Lazy Bitch, who each requested this pairing over the course of the past few days. I've had a few ideas but they only chose to pin themselves down around now, so I guess this is what I've got up for them in regards to their relationship. I hope you two like them~

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_**To Fanfiction Writers:**_

Acting life has made me busy, to the point that I have been unable to read all the stories that have poured in about my presence in Ikebukuro, but I have a break before my acting resumes again and I felt that this would be the time to address a concern that I have heard and read in some of these stories. Although I had been unaware of my role in the scripts that you write for my life, along with the ones you write for my Aniki and his friends, I have read quite a number of them and have found a few scenes where there are things that do not agree with me. Of all of these things, though, I need to point out the most concerning of them and try to rectify it before the whole of Ikebukuro becomes razed to the ground. After all, as much as I am away from my home city, I prefer to come back to a thriving metropolis, not a flattened pile of rubble.

There have been a number of stories that assume that my brother and I are in an incestuous relationship with one another, where we perform acts restricted to romantic partners; this is untrue and as such, needs to be corrected. As you all very well know, I am currently in a relationship with co-actress Ruri Hijiribe and do not plan to break up with her anytime soon. However, even if I was single and my Aniki was single as well, I do not love him in a romantic manner… and I am sure that he does not love me in such a way either. Although there have been roles where I have had dubious relationships with another on-screen character, they are merely works of fiction and I, for my part, do not wish to replicate it in real life. I am happy in my current relationship with my brother.

There is nothing more that I need to say in regards to this issue, as my Aniki has something more to say on the matter than I do, so I will end off my letter and allow him to write what he will. My break has ended and my job requires me to be on time for filming…

_**Heiwajima Kasuka**_

_P.S. Brother, please don't get angry at the writers before they've had a chance to fix their work. If you don't feel like you can control your anger, just come visit me. I'll try to make some time for you…_

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_**You Goddamn Fanfiction Writers,**_

What are you all, some bunch of masochistic bastards like that flea I chase on a daily basis? I've written about how you should all just leave me, my family and my friends alone for god knows how long now, but it's like you people have glass marbles for eyes! I'm not sure _what_ exactly you writers don't comprehend when I constantly tell you people simply stop writing about me and my random relationships with anything that walks in Ikebukuro, but you all just simply don't get anything, it seems. I'm going to go and rant to Celty when she's off work or visit Kasuka when he has time off, but before I do I've got to say something to all of you. Well, before I come and throw vending machines and traffic signs at those of you who ignore everything that I've written so far, I'm going to be saying a few things about this… this stuff I've seen Kasuka and I in.

Let me tell you something, you stupid writers: when someone tells their brother or sister that they love them, we mean it in a _familial_ way, not a romantic way. It's true that the love I hold for my brother is something that not all siblings hold for their kinsmen, but the comforting warmth of being close to my family cannot compare to the fast burn that everyone says love is supposed to be. There are people out there that don't really like their siblings at all —Mairu and Kururi certainly don't like Izaya, and I don't blame them when I hate the flea myself— and there are some people that love their brother or sister in inappropriate ways —I've heard these things about the flea's secretary being in love with her brother or something, and that's just plain disgusting— but I'm not one or the other. I like Kasuka like an older brother should, even if I had once thrown my fridge at him in my life, and he likes me as a younger brother should, despite all the trouble I cause for him, and our liking for each other is simply a caring family relationship, nothing more.

So you know all that stuff about violating Kasuka in places that nobody but a doctor would care to touch? Yeah, that's not true, idiots. He and I might visit each other when we're in the same area and even eat with each other when we've both got the time off, but that's _it_. Our relationship isn't that twisted thing that you've forced onto us, and if you all appreciate life then you'd better go and change those portrayals of how my brother and I interact in our daily lives.

Unless, of course, you want to spend the rest of your life in hospital.

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Fine, I'll come visit you when you're on a longer break, Kasuka._

_P.P.S. Mairu, Kururi, if you see any of that stuff that Karisawa's drawn about that flea and me, I'm going to make sure that you follow Izaya into the trash when I manage to dump him into there._

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**_A/N: _**_Watching movies and trying to reply to reviews sure does this poor author's head in... in any case, congratulations to _CapturedByNoodles _for the 50th review, and thank you to all the readers for pushing this story over 1000 views~! Well, before I get more keyboard imprints onto my face from sleeping on it again, I hope everyone enjoyed this pair of letters, and I'll upload the next letter as soon as humanly possible (while trying to feed my plot bunnies with a few more virtual bits of salad)~_


	25. Orihara Psyche, Embracing Realism

**Disclaimer: ...I own your souls? Eh, probably not. Nor do I own half the things I wish to, like the stuff listed in the first letter...  
_Note:_**_ This letter is based off my understanding that Psyche is the 'childish' side of Izaya... and for anyone curious, 'ohaiyou' is a colloquial Japanese greeting._

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_**Ohaiyō, Fanfiction Writers! \(^o^)/**_

Don't tell Iza-chan that I'm here or that I'm writing this, okay~? He hates it when us alternates come out because we look so much like him and we're supposed to be parts of him that don't exist, but just because we don't belong in the strictly-built world of logic that he lives in, it doesn't mean that I can't come out to play! Well, to be honest, I'm just a manifestation of art that came out of a CD he so kindly made for his humans, but that doesn't mean that I'm not as human as he is, you know. He just happens to be a big figure in Ikebukuro, and I just happen to be here, writing this letter and rambling on at length about whatever comes to mind… like puppies~

But puppies don't really have anything to do with what I wanted to write here, so I guess I'll just leave it aside to discuss with Iza-chan later, when he's not too busy running around after his humans to ignore me. You see, there's all these stories that I've seen with me in them, and they've all got strange ideas about how I'm just a mental disease or a part of Iza-chan that doesn't exist… and I really don't like those stories of me. It may be true that there's no written record of me like there is for my supposed 'original' and that I only seem to be a childish and air-headed prototype, but I'm just as human as my counterpart, as well as the rest of the world, are!

Well, I guess I'm not really smart or evil like Iza-chan can be, but that's because Iza-chan goes out of his way to be a meanie-pants to everyone. Actually, he told me to write down my thoughts because I kept on bugging him with my rambling, but he just doesn't understand the importance of what I say! When he reads my letter like all of you do, though, you'll all realize that I'm human and that I have feelings independent of Iza-chan as well… because if you don't, then I'm going to throw a tantrum and be angry at the lot of you. Just because I feel like acting youthful and enjoy life like everyone else here doesn't, it doesn't mean that I'm any less of a real person than you all seem to think I am…

It's strange, though, when you all think of me as a mental condition, because I think that Iza-chan would be more of a mental case than I'd ever be~ I mean, think about it; he's sociopathic and has tendencies to coerce people into doing whatever he wants (not to mention his stalker skills and his horrible tendencies to mess with everyone's head), and I'm just an innocent boy with a loving heart and a kind nature. Really, where's the love for poor oppressed souls like me? It's all given to Iza-chan and his impossibly strong blonde, only because they're crazy and I'm simply an overly optimistic person.

So, really, aren't I considered real and human, just like everyone else is here? I'm not a toy that you're allowed to play with or a problem that exists in Iza-chan's mind, but a sentient being with my own thoughts and feelings. All I want to be able to do is love and live life like everyone else does, but instead I'm confined to a stereotype –a split personality or mental disease, even– and for what purpose? I'm not just that annoying kid with colours that hurt your eyes… I'm _the_ kid that stuns everyone into pure joy, and you should all know that as a fact~

Spread the love, and treat everyone equally, okay? It'll make the world a much nicer place, and maybe Iza-chan will stop being grumpy and cuddle with his beloved already, just like I do with mine~

_**Psyche Orihara, With Sparkles! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧**_

_P.S. Happy Valentines' Day, Iza-chan~! Go give some chocolate strawberries to your Shizuo, I'm sure he'll love them very much ;D_

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**_A/N:_**_ I could probably drown everyone in a list of how miserable my life is, but that's not really the point here; besides, it's Valentines' Day, and as Psyche there says, I hope everyone had a happy time with their loved ones on this special day! By the way, if this story somehow manages to get to 100 reviews by the time this month ends, I'm willing to throw in another oneshot for the first non-guest that makes the magic three-digit number of comments (though I probably can't guarantee that it'll pop up immediately afterwards). Anyhow, before I really do end up collapsing from a complete lack of sleep and rest, I'll just thank everyone for reading and that everyone will look forward to the next letter, which'll probably end up coming out when the plot bunnies have used up the weekend to recover from being excessively overworked~!_


	26. Raira Students, A 'Minor'ity

**Disclaimer: I possess a splitting headache, but nothing much more than that, I'm afraid...**

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_**~Dear Fanfiction Writers~**_

No matter how much we protest to you in these letters these days, it seems that your eyes are either dysfunctional or are simply glass marbles in disguise… as much as Mikado-kun or Anri-chan would like to say otherwise about how 'everyone must surely be too busy to pay us no heed'. It may be quite true that your lives are just as busy —if not far busier— than ours, but that gives you no excuse to dodge this letter as you have so skilfully dodged all others, and thereby leave us voiceless and at your disposal in those horrific stories you tend to write about us. However, before the writer of this letter goes into a fully-fledged rant about how they would like to do certain questionable things to said writers, we might as well speak on our own behalf before that happens.

After all, the only things we want to remind you of are our ages and the things associated with that…

~#~#~#~#~

_I really don't mean to keep on shattering people's fantasies by correcting everyone all the time, but I feel that, as much as I do not wish to, I must rectify the legal errors that are present in your stories. Although certain… bedroom activities… might be the most pleasurable thing that I will ever get to experience in my life, it does not mean that I would willingly commit a crime by doing such things as a minor. I'm sorry for having to say all this, but I would appreciate it if you left me to my own devices and allowed me to explore the various facets of the adult world at my own pace…  
_[Ryūgamine Mikado]

~#~#~#~#~

_I apologize for having to write my opinions once more —this time, Mikado-kun and Masaomi-kun convinced me to write my thoughts onto this page— but I have heard of something else that gives me cause for concern. Forgive me for voicing my thoughts on this matter, but it would be best if your stories did not involve minors, like myself, engaging in activities exclusively reserved for the more mature portion of the population. Even if the material you write is but your constructed fantasy, I would appreciate it if I was left out of your deviant activities…  
_[Sonohara Anri]

~#~#~#~#~

_There is nothing like gaining the favour of beautiful ladies and having a good time getting to know each and every one of the delicate creatures that exist in Ikebukuro… but with that all being said and done, I would rather protect the chastity of the fairer sex than take it away from them. Although it is quite true that I am a self-professed ladies' man and that I find my pleasure in getting the female population to fall for me just as hard as I have fallen for them, I cannot take advantage of their kindness if they so wish to become closer to me~ After all, despite my former status as a gang member, I'd rather keep my criminal record quite clear of any misdeeds, thank you very much…  
_[Masaomi Kida]

~#~#~#~#~

_Kuru-nee and I may be deviants of many sorts and I, for one, may know much more about sex than any of our senpais would ever learn in their dull lifetimes, but that doesn't mean that we, as the naturally curious human beings that we are, attempt to try any of the hardcore positions in my adult books or, for that matter, endeavour to take each other to the pinnacles of pleasure on every other night. No, if anything, we're still virgins —though we're not innocent in any regards— and we intend to stay that way, lest the police or Iza-nii find out and then punish us for our activities…  
_[Mairu (and Kururi) Orihara]

~#~#~#~#~

So with all that being said, we suppose that you've all understood our position as one that is against the sexual exploitation of minors, even if said exploitation is done by another minor as well. It would be appreciated if everyone would abide by our wishes and leave our promiscuity for your personal speculation and fantasies when we're of an age to discuss such matters openly and without fear of the police and their intervention. Well, since we've probably made our point with our succinct words and our various messages to all of you, we'll just leave everyone to go change their stories to suit our preferences while we go back to school then, shall we?

Because, well, as much as we like to waste our time typing and/or writing at our desks, the teachers are starting to eye us strangely… especially since class is supposed to be finished for the time being…

_**~Regards, The Raira Academy Students~**_

_P.S. Although it was tempting to report all writers for the creation and distribution of child pornography, there were some kind souls that decided taking this extra measure was just a step too far… so be grateful that we didn't report anyone yet~_

_P.P.S. Any further breaches of our request will result in the immediate arrest of the offender in question. If you do happen to know of such a case, please contact the Orihara siblings to bring the perpetrators to justice (but don't contact either Anri or Mikado if such a case is brought to light)._

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**_A/N:_**_ I haven't really read many stories about Aoba in the DRRR fandom, so I felt that it would be better if I excluded him from this letter... unless, of course, the readers would like to see his thoughts in this composition as well (in which case I will update this chapter with Aoba's views when I gauge exactly how I should write for him). Anyhow, before I totter off to finish off a few other outstanding things that I have to do, I'll just take the time to thank everyone for their patience in waiting for this letter, and I hope that everyone will continue to take care of my busy plot-bunnies as they churn out the next letter for everyone's enjoyment~_


	27. Shizuo & Vorona, Frozen Wastelands

**Disclaimer: Je suis... um, my French is a little rusty. Basically speaking, I own nothing, okay? Oui, oui~  
Dedicated To**: Alwaysblu, for wondering what Shizuo would be like if he was paired up with Vorona. Honestly speaking, Vorona's speech mannerisms was quite hard to incorporate, especially since her speech pattern is hard to replicate, but I hope that she and Shizuo seem in-character enough, Blu-chan~**  
**

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_**Greetings, Writers of Fanfiction.**_

The perusal of fanfiction —those literary deviations from published stories— yields up strange subjects. Some are amusing, some are confusing, a few are infuriating. Shizuo-senpai, he features in many a fanfiction story about sexual intercourse and its questionable effects on the human mind. His responses, they are highly angered and yet so very often ignored. Before I initiate the length of my discourse, I pose to the readers a question I wish to be answered. Your stories, why is it that they must be about everyone falling in love and then fighting such an emotion?

Shizuo-senpai and I… the concept of love, it does not exist between us. Our relationship, it is merely professional- though my professional interest, it is not like that of senpai's professional interest. The senpai-kouhai camaraderie categorizes our interactions as what they are. Friendship is the front I put on, violent intent is the feeling I have hidden away. My desire to fight, to find the strongest and engage in hand-to-hand combat, it trumps the camaraderie Shizuo-senpai has. However, I negate to inform him of my desire to kill, and to defeat the man that once defeated me. I affirm that he is a worthy opponent and a competent senpai, but I negate to recognise his non-existent sex appeal.

Upon perusing fanfiction stories, Shizuo-senpai arrives at the debt-collecting agency in an irritable mood. The people with debts, they suffer the most miserable fate as they fly across Ikebukuro, especially when they negate to comprehend Tom-senpai's demands. The money is not collected, damages must be paid. Shizuo-senpai apologizes and is still angry; Tom-senpai sighs and continues on to repeat the cycle. The day ends badly, money is lost, no pay can be given to Shizuo-senpai or I. The situation, it affords everyone no money and great anxiety.

The point of my letter, it is to inform readers of the predicament that Shizuo-senpai has given me. Anger at being paired up with his kouhai, abashment at facing me after sex-filled stories… it creates tension between senpai and kouhai, and the job does not get done. No money is received, the day is wasted, we come back to rinse and repeat again. The money, it is needed for rent and food, yet no money can be received when Shizuo-senpai is destroying debtors' property and placing debtors in hospital. These stories, they must be taken down before a lack of money results in great starvation or death. Otherwise… lives will be forfeit, courtesy of myself.

_**Respectful Regards, Vorona**_

_P.S. The writers, they will be given a day to make amendments before I persuade people to make better adjustments. Upon refusal, threats present in the letter will be executed without delay. Pity, pity…_

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_**Goddamn You All, Fanfiction Writers,**_

What the hell is wrong with your minds… or, more like, do your idiotic minds even exist at all? It's like nothing I write actually reaches your brains –probably because they aren't actually there to begin with– because no matter _how_ many times I tell you all to go the damn to hell and bring your fanfiction with you, you all just don't get the message, do you?! I can't even remember how many times I've said that I don't have some sort of weird relationship with my enemy, my senpai, my brother, or anyone else for that matter, but you people still persist in pissing me off! I swear, I'm going to give you all a nice no-expenses-paid stay in the neighbouring hospital if you don't stop trying to rile me up… but I've got to say a few words first, before I do anything else.

Right, so what gives you all the idea that I'm in a romantic relationship with Vorona? She dispatches people peacefully before I throw them into kingdom come, and we protect Tom-senpai between ourselves, but that's just what good colleagues do, okay?! Seriously, the most I ever do to act like 'a good boyfriend' or whatever is to ask her to eat with me at the nearby café for cake afterwards, so there's no reason for everyone to think that we're doing things that, frankly, I can't ever see myself doing to my kouhai! I guess I should, at least, thank everyone for actually pairing me up with a woman this time around, but she's probably younger than me, and I'm not a goddamn sexual predator. If it's okay with everyone, I'd like to stay _out_ of jail, thank you very much.

It's kinda weird how everyone makes Vorona look like a really rude and uncaring individual, though, especially in those screwed up stories where I'm supposedly in love with that nuisance of a flea. Yeah, sure, she speaks a bit weird and there's something not quite right with her when she thinks I'm not looking at her and she stares at my head, but she's nice for a kid, okay? She's nice and she doesn't actually hate me for being strong, so she's a decent friend. I don't see her as a potential 'mate', as that flea thinks my bestial instincts would label any moving target as, and all that she is to me is a good friend and work-mate, who shares my liking for sweets and is a pretty darn efficient fighter. There's nothing between us but friendship, you hear? _Nothing_.

So now that I'm done telling you all about how you should stick your overly long noses out of my and Vorona's business and go bother someone else –like, maybe, that retarded flea– I'm just going to go and leave before this new pen breaks again. Do you know how hard it was for me not to break my pen when I was writing this and that letter about me and Kasuka up? I really am going to flood the hospitals with new patients and the morgue with a few dead writers as well, but for the time being, I think I'm going to eat some cake with my kouhai. At least she and cake don't drive me nuts like the lot of you do…

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. I'm sorry, Vorona… I'll try not to get so angry during working hours…_

_P.P.S. In the event that I do get pissed off at work, though, I'm making you blind and braindead people pay for my bills..._

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**_A/N: _**_Perhaps I am simply slow or paranoid, but it seems that I've been doing a lot of Shizuo-pairings lately with my letters... though, I must admit, I don't regret doing so many for him, since he's quite amusing to work with. Anyhow, I should probably mention that I'll be able to squeeze in around 1 to 3 more letters before I announce a mini-hiatus and retreat into a studying shell, but before that happens... I guess I'll just say that I hope everyone liked this letter, and that everyone will continue to feed my tired little plot bunnies while the next letter's being drafted and written down~_


	28. Orihara Roppi, Identity Crisis

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara, the story idea, or the majority of these cliches. Well, it was about time I did a normal disclaimer anyway...**

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…_**Fanfiction Writers…**_

I find it strange how humans constantly have the urge to write strange and fantastical things about the people that they know about, but I suppose that's what makes humans the detestable objects that they are. There are problems that exist between how I really am —which you would probably never know about anyway— and how I am portrayed in the stories that are somehow written on me, and I wish to address this issue before the problem spirals out of control. To be completely honest with the lot of you, I would've found something better to do with my time than waste it writing about issues that, frankly, I could probably care less about, but a certain human-loving cretin has taken away my switchblade and I wish to re-acquire it… which I can only do by penning this letter.

Firstly, I should mention that I have never bothered to waste my time reading the insane depictions that you have written about me; if fact, I would never have known were it not for the meddling of my supposed alter-ego. Although I do not have any concrete ideas about the things you narrow-minded beings attempt to write about me, I have a few vague ideas of what is being said without my knowledge… though, of course, I do not know for certain whether they are true at all, judging from the source that my information comes from. Regardless of whether this is at all true or not, though, I would like to point out that certain inferences that you have made —that I am in love with a pathetic human, that I value my life in some sort of way, and that I am somehow not who I am— are, and will never be, as true as any of you might think.

Although I do not wish to know how your minds work, what is it that makes writers like yourselves write falsities about myself with no apparent justification for your views or actions? I cannot speak for the lot of you, despite my loathed position as a human being in flawed world of shattered beliefs, but I can safely say for myself that I would never dare to mess with someone else's person without their specific permission. Of course, that does not mean that I would ever interact with other humans, even if it is only a fleeting one that is for the purposes of writing idiotic things about people, but that does not mean that I give everyone reading this letter the permission to meddle with my person. I simply wish to say that, as a person with more morals than the majority of the humans that exist in the world, I would hope that some people out there (who may be ever so slightly decent) will allow my person to be left in peace. Or relative peace, at least.

With all that being said and done —or, in this instance, written— I suppose I can finally end off this pointless letter and get my switchblade back from that trolling doppelganger of mine. As much as I _love_ to waste more of my time conducting a lengthy discourse about how I protest greatly about something that I could hardly care about, I have better things in my sad excuse of a life to do. So if nobody minds, which I'm sure nobody does, I'm going to go and waste my life in a more productive manner now… and get away from the horrors of interacting with other human beings.

_**Orihara Hachimenroppi**_

_P.S. Izaya, please die after you've given me my switchblade. I really don't want to see your face or hear your insidious voice again…_

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**_A/N: _**_Ah, I can just feel the love overflowing from Roppi's kind letter to us writers who honour him with our wonderful portrayals... because, yes, I love my sarcasm and I couldn't resist the urge to make a highly cynical comment for the fun of it. Well, I have a feeling that either the next letter or the one after that will be the last one before I go on a hiatus for 2-3 weeks, but until that time comes... let us revel in these letters and laugh/cringe at them. Anyhow, I hope everyone liked the letter and that they'll look forward to the next one, as soon as my plot bunnies are done fixing up my creative writing pieces for English~_


	29. The DRRR Cast, Against Immigrants

**Disclaimer: Watashi ha... wait, my Japanese also sucks. Oh well, the point is that I still own the things I don't own in the first letter, okay? Hai...  
Dedicated To:** Albinos, who wondered how the Durarara cast would react to being paired up with OCs. Being the scatter-brained writer that I am, the letter ended up deviating slightly from the original request... but I hope you like it nonetheless, my friend~

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_**~Dear Fanfiction Writers~**_

Is it really that hard for us to find true love in our own little universe without the lot of you pumping your characters into the crowded metropolis of Ikebukuro and its surrounding cities? As you all probably know, the Tokyo region is one of the most densely populated regions in the world, and your injection of people into our city is pushing up the cost of living where we live. Perhaps it has never occurred to you that we actually like living peacefully in our homes, with relatively little interference from the people that seek to meddle in our lives, but the notion has definitely occurred to us. Otherwise, why else would we be writing this letter?

Of course, there are a few of us here –like a certain human-loving informant– who could care less about the influx of these so-called 'original characters' that you attempt to inject into our daily lives, but for the majority of us… well, we don't really like having all these long-lost relatives and forgotten best friend swarming into Ikebukuro and nailing people left and right regardless of gender. There are some of us who want to stick in copious apologies and all that jazz for having to intrude on your fantasies and for putting down your work but, once again, the majority of us could care less about your feelings, especially since you lot seem to care nothing for ours. Really, what's with these overly complicated names that nobody can pronounce and these unnatural hair colours that only certain otakus could ever envision on a human being? Your characters are crazy, and we don't want anything to do with them, thank you all very much.

Well, we'd all leave a little paragraph of our own comments to individually express our own opinions, but we've got better things in life to do than wait forever to compile everything together, so we'll skip the pleasantries and do all those formalities at a later date… which will probably be never. Basically, all you writers need to know is that none of us appreciate being paired with all these 'original characters' of yours that, frankly, are anything but original at most times –if anything, we'd like term them as 'cliché' or 'generic' and leave it at that– and that the few characters that interest our attention are simply not enough to compensate for the horrible influx of people that you lot subject us to. We're not barbaric enough to suggest that we'll do anything negative to anyone who goes against our thoughts, but please do keep in mind that there are some of us out there who have absolutely no control over themselves whatsoever, and will be more than happy to do unspeakably terrible things like leave you in a ditch without a pulse.

So with all that being written down, as well as said and done, we suppose that we'll just go on our merry ways and allow everyone a chance to rectify their stories, out of the goodness of the majority of our hearts. It's debatable as to whether some of us have hearts or whether some of us care about this issue at all –or, for that matter, whether we're a group that can be homogenised enough to be lumped together in the one rambling letter– but that's just a subject that'll be discussed another fine day, when someone's willing to tire out their hands for no good purpose. In any case, unless the editor would like to face our combined wrath by sticking in nonsensical words, we'll just sign off here and return to our (hopefully uncrowded) homes then, shall we?

_**~The Durarara Cast~**_

_P.S. We'd include a list of our names, but we don't want to post our letter as a bulky item, so we'll just use that generic name and leave it at that._

_P.P.S. If anyone is willing to remove their OCs, please donate them to a (dubious) good cause and drop them off at one of the numerous offices that Izaya owns._

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**_A/N: _**_Yes, I just insulted myself in my own letter by making a quip about one of my own OCs (who, thankfully enough, isn't a major character... though his name is damn hard to pronounce if you're not his creator and his eye colour is definitely not normal, though his hair is well enough), but then again... it's always great fun to put oneself down. Rambling aside, though, this will be the last letter I will be uploading for the next two weeks as I go into hibernation -or, strictly speaking, studying mode- and depart from the fanfiction world for the time being. I may or may not upload anything during that time if I can spare a few hours or so, but otherwise... I hope everyone enjoyed this letter and that you'll all continue to feed my overworked plot bunnies as they scrabble around for more ideas in the future~_


	30. Izaya & Kanra, Conspiracy On Humanity

**Disclaimer: Despite persistent lobbying for free and equal rights... nope, I'm still nowhere close to owning anything~  
Dedicated To: **Albinos, who had initially wondered about whether Kanra & Izaya could ever be in a functional relationship together. I know you withdrew your request, but I was really curious to see how this pairing would work out, so I elaborated on a theory I'd read in a fanfic story and this came out... so I hope you enjoy it~

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_**My Dearly Beloved Writers,**_

Writing letters to my beloved humans is tedious, especially since I could be beautifying myself for the general population of Ikebukuro and Shinjuku as I waste my time doing poetic things that, frankly, do not interest me as it would interest a fair maiden from a few centuries ago… but it seems that it must be done. Alas, there is a strange phenomenon appearing in which I, the feminine God of Ikebukuro, have been partnered with my dull male counterpart, who is supposedly my 'original'. As much as Iza-chan and I may be appealing to those of you which see our so-called pairing, which is somehow labelled rather degradingly as 'Izayacest', as a legitimate relationship, I am afraid that I have to burden the minority of humanity which believes in this pairing in the attempt to protect the majority of humanity from the glorious (yet implausible) relationship that is Iza-chan and I.

Please do not imagine that I hate the few that happen to support my pseudo-relationship with Iza-chan; in fact, I admire you all —and love you all still further— for your innovative creations and your boundless imaginations. However, you must realize that, as your reigning deities in Ikebukuro, we cannot direct our love to each other when there are seven billion others in the world that deserve our equal love and attention. Besides, we all know that the masochistic cretin pretends to be in love with humanity when he himself is too busy receiving pain and his own brand of twisted affection from his monstrous little pet, whereas I am unclouded by the dim film of lust that comes with the love one holds for impure objects, like beasts. Unlike our dear Iza-chan, who is a moron in denial, I am the only one that holds a love more pure and deep than ordinary love, and that love is one that encompasses all of humanity, the likes of which my male counterpart can only _dream_ of.

I suppose that, with all that being said, the minority of humanity which may be a little too innocent to comprehend the situation can be knowledgeable of this subject by my blunt and direct approach to the issue at hand. Because of my abounding love for the human race, I have cautioned myself against lashing out at any human beings that may not be at fault in this situation, but it is also for this exact reason that I may be uncharacteristically harsh, so that one warning is all I need for all to obey me. Yes, it may seem uncaring to shatter your dreams, especially since dreams are precious commodities of humans that fuel all of us into striving for the best, but even deities can have jealous love that manifests itself in fleeting cruelty and I, as your divine God, can only succumb to my supposed fault and indulge in this part of me.

After all, I will always be better than the 'me' who claims to be your God…

_**Yours Lovingly, Orihara Kanra**_

_P.S. For those who are not familiar with the Japanese dialect, my phony double likes to refer to himself as 'ore', which is a cheap and informal way of addressing oneself, whereas I refer to myself as 'watashi', which is a far more polite mannerism. This will be lost during translation, because my letter is popular enough to be translated by my precious humans, but this is a note that will let everyone know and realize the sophistication that distinguishes me from my male counterpart._

_P.P.S. Orihara Izaya is most probably a hypocritical android, especially if he claims to love 'all humanity' and then focuses his attention onto a monster C:_

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_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

Is it not enough that you test my undying love for you all by pairing me up with the most ridiculous personalities I have ever met in my life? I have found myself being the submissive female beast to an insane male one and the substitute headless Dullahan for a doctor with ethical issues, but now it seems that I am to get no respite from my torment. Alas, it seems that I have a female imposter that has been modelled after my online alias and has manifested itself into an unassuming and haughty human who is intent on belittling the world around 'her', and now seems to be my duty to contain the nuisance before she attempts to discredit my good name. Ah, why must my beloved humanity torment me so, when all I have done is squander my love and attention away on your souls? If only the rest of the human race would love me back like I loved them…

However, before I convince all those imaginative writers about the flaws in their logic –as well as remind them of the punishment I shall now dish out as a direct breach of my request to keep my pure being away from your deviant fantasies– I should probably begin by discrediting the miserable thing that thinks 'she' is above me. Kanra-chan is my alias, and is by extension a part of me, so whoever might be using that name without my permission is sorely mistaken if they can think of using it and getting away with attempting to abuse me. I have already refuted claims of my nature as that of a masochist, along with my supposed love for Shizu-chan, but it seems that I must address my supposed status as a 'hypocritical android' and a weak individual… by simply stating that it would take one to know one. So unless my dear imposter can own up to being the things that they themselves accuse me of, then I will quite happily maintain that I am the rightful deity of Ikebukuro, as I should be, and that I should continue to be treated as such until the imposter owns up to their status as my cheap imitation.

On that note, it should be glaringly obvious to all humans –unless they have the capacity of a peanut, like my dear Shizu-chan seems to have– that this so-called 'Kanra' and I have no romantic affiliations towards one another. It is flattering that there are fanfiction writers out there that would believe that the handsomeness of my masculine form can be translated into the stunning beauty my feminine form would no doubt possess, but I can only exist as the one entity. In that sense, I am sorry to inform you writers that there will be no 'Izayacest', unless I either pleasure myself in front of a mirror or I construct an android of myself… but then again, it would be nice to leave my sex life alone, so I won't offer to enlighten you on whether this supposed pairing exists. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a certain female otaku had come up with the term to fuel the desires of humans like yourselves, who write anything to please your rightful god.

Well, in any case, I shall simply take my leave and go to visit a certain fujoshi who has the indecency to slander my name earlier on, and who seems to have not heeded the kindly warnings I had directed at her being beforehand. Perhaps I should pay a visit to all the mischievous humans that insist on compromising my position as the God of Ikebukuro as well… but I shall be lenient for now, I suppose. After all, I am a much more generous being than my imposter seems to be, with their 'jealous love' and their pretentious nature~

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Wah, it seems like my imposter knows basic Japanese conventions! I don't know whether to be proud of this distinguished human or wonder whether their intelligence is on par with Shizu-chan's~_

_P.P.S. There are so many morons trading insults in the post-scripts that I think I'll refrain from placing any further input into the various discussions. Though, now that I'm on this topic, I really should go pay a visit to my dear sisters sometime in the near future for… certain reasons…_

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_**A/N: **So, well, this is either a highly elaborate trolling plan by Izaya or it's a rather strange fight between... Izaya-selves...? Well, I suppose that this was a highly fun and excessively random story, probably because it was written straight after my English exam. Random hiatus breaker aside, though, I guess I'll be retreating into my supposedly self-imposed hiatus for the next week and a half before I go back to regular updates again, so until I upload the next letter... I hope everyone's enjoyed the letter and that they'll look forward to the next one, when my hibernating bunnies shake off their lethargy and work frantically again~**  
**_

_[For those who may be wondering, the offer of a oneshot for the 100th reviewer (who is a non-guest) still stands, despite the beginning of a new month]_


	31. Shizuo & Izaya, Mythology Disproved

**Disclaimer: Anyone have a magical potion that gives all intellectual property to me? No? Well, neither do I...**

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_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

As much as I love humanity and all the peculiar quirks that make up the seven billion people that co-exist on this wonderful planet, I am being sorely tested when it comes to my abounding love for my beloved humans. Perhaps I have not made it clear to everyone that I am a God and, as such, do not have the slightly animalistic urges that the general populace would have, such as overly dramatic emotions and the strange urge to feel emotions in general… but I shall endeavour to make it clear to you now. After all, it wouldn't be right for me to allow everyone to be fooled into the assumption that I am controlled by human urges and, as such, will do highly regretful things.

Is everyone here familiar with Greek or Roman mythology, or old lore of the sort? If you are as intellectually gifted as I am, and have an intimate knowledge of such historical topics, then you would be acquainted with the knowledge that Gods are portrayed as amorous and incestuous beings. Now, as appealing as the notion of having an unfulfillable libido is to me, I'd much prefer to keep my sexual urges in check and have everything tucked into my pants, rather than have them hanging out of it. This means that, yes, I actually don't go into heat like a feline (as you will be very well aware of, thanks to my initial letter) and I do not seek the closest individual to divest my supposed urges on, so all those unsavoury stories about my grabbing a random human –which, sadly, just happens to be male and dominant nine times out of ten– are obviously not true.

This brings me to one person in particular… or, more specifically, the despicable monster with which I seem to encounter in your intriguing stories nine times out of ten. Strangely enough, it seems that my libido, along with my non-existent masochistic streak and the various disturbing kinks I somehow possess, is only satisfied when Shizu-chan is somehow involved in the act of 'pleasuring' me, and I need to clarify something that I once thought was glaringly obvious. Newsflash, humans: I'm not actually gay or into bestiality. In fact, if you would all care to realize the error of your ways and acknowledge the obvious truth of my statement, you would realize that I actually hate the damn brute. It may be true that he has animalistic urges tending to lust, since he has displayed an obvious inability to act like a normal human being when it comes to his anger and subsequent violence, but even if that is so, it does not mean that I, by extension, would willingly be the blonde's mating partner. As far as I'm concerned, he can go rut with another animal, like his brother's cat.

If my meaning isn't clear to the few humans that may have problems with comprehension, let me make things simple for my dearly beloved humanity. Basically, I do not love or lust. Shizu-chan might, because we all know that he's inhuman and is merely a dead fish or something equally disgusting in human disguise, but I don't. He can go do whatever he wants with whatever the heck he might possess but, in the meantime, I shall get back to the more important aspects of life and leave everyone to their fantastical musings. Of course, it would be wonderful if you would all voluntarily remove the inconsistent details about what the twisted minority of humanity might perceive as the truth, but there are always ways to make sure all this unsavoury information is eradicated forever.

After all, Shizu-chan is a wonderfully efficient destroyer when he needs to be~

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Shizu-chan, if you ever get in heat and you shove your filthy meat-rod in my face, I will not suck it lovingly, like some stories seem to suggest. In fact, you'll probably find that you'll never be able to sire little beastlings in your life if anything of the sort happens._

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_**Goddamn You All, Fanfiction Writers,**_

What the hell is with everyone pairing me up with that flea? My god, do you people just not _get_ the fact that I could probably care less about whatever that stupid idiot wants to do, unless he wants to go do the world a favour and cark it?! For all I care, he can go die and I could probably give less than two shits about the whole ordeal, so for you people to suggest what you suggest… man, you people have issues that you need to take care of immediately. I know I've got issues and I know I'm stupid too, but you lot? You people just don't know how retarded and problematic you are, do you?

Okay, I can admit to the fact that I like people enough to want to be lovers with someone someday, but wanting to be in love is different from wanting to have a casual one-night stand with a random person. With all that being said, I want to stress the fact that I actually want to have a functional relationship with a _person_ who actually accepts me for who I am and isn't underage or male, not a prick of a flea whose both younger and disgustingly male. What is it that you people simply don't get? The fact that I don't actually like that damn Izaya? The mere notion that, funnily enough, I'm human underneath all that strength? Or the fact that maybe, just maybe, I actually act like a normal guy when it comes to my sexual urges and love?!

Right, let me make this glaringly obvious to you damn idiots with less of a brain than the flea claims I have. I do not have a mating season, where I grab a certain nuisance and rape him harshly into a wall while professing my undying love and lust for said sex object. I definitely do not wander around in some sort of dazed heat because I'm stupid enough to eat some drugged thing –I like my food, but not to the extent that I'll happily scoff it down if I don't know where it's from– and then chance upon Izaya all horny and ready to have some 'fun'. I simply _do not_ find my dick lurching up at the thought of a female flea, a half-cat flea, a bunny-suited flea or, for that matter, _any_ damn flea. If anything, I find my insides shrivelling from horror at the godforsaken thought.

…Damn, you'd better hope you've got enough money to pay for my bleach now…

Well, before I go get my brain and wash it really damn thoroughly, let me say that I do not have animal instincts that dictate my mind to go against my nature and do kinky stuff to a certain smirking pest. I generally do not like to rut in public, and I generally do not 'rut' like some demented animal in heat to begin with, so leave your imaginations to yourselves, at the very least, and keep your screwy fantasies away from me, you got it? I don't care what Kasuka or Celty have to say, I _will_ make sure you all get a no-expenses-paid stay in your local hospital if you don't leave me alone. I may not be an animal in my love, but I sure can harm you better than any animal can when I'm pissed enough.

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. I don't do anything for you because you say so, Izaya. Not unless you volunteer to die at my hands, that is._

_P.P.S. I'll keep my damn dick and my temper to myself, you stupid little flea. What makes you think I'll happily waltz up to you so I can get castrated in the near future?! And I don't 'sire little beastlings', you dumbass idiot, because I don't go around impregnating people like you might do…_

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**_A/N:_**_ ...Because the best way to relieve stress is to shoot down one's OTP in one of the harshest ways possible, isn't it? Ah, well, I guess exams are either making my feels particularly masochistic, or my plot bunnies are trying to devour me with their sadistic tendencies. Anyhow, all that random musing waffle aside, thank you for waiting for this letter (which, yes, is still posted up, despite the fact that it's the middle of my supposed 'hiatus' now) and I hope that everyone enjoys reading it as much as I liked writing it. Please continue to feed my semi-hibernating plot bunnies, and I shall be back with material at the end of the week~!_


	32. Orihara Izaya, Never Consenting

**Disclaimer: Um... does anyone reckon I could nick Izaya off Ryohgo Narita and get him to blackmail everyone for rights? ...Oh, okay then, I guess I still own nothing much, then...**

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_**My Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

Ah, it seems that my abounding love for humanity will never be returned, if the falsified claims about me are to be believed; in fact, I would be quite willing to believe that mine is a pure but one-sided love affair with the seven billion individuals that make up humanity on Earth. I have impressed upon all of you, time and time again, with my love for all of the humans that walk this planet, and my professions of equal affection for all of you have been often repeated, yet it does not seem as if people love me in return. Would it be better for me to focus my love on all of humanity _except for fanfiction writers_ then? Perhaps writers like yourself are just like Shizu-chan, with your devolved intelligence and your brutish stubbornness in refusing to conform to my demands…

Speaking of Shizu-chan, though, I should probably mention that he, along with any of the sorry specimens of humanity that classify themselves as gang members or petty criminals, are not capable of raping the great Orihara Izaya. Yes, as much as you think that I may be a weakling with absolutely no sense of self-preservation or any means of defending my body, I do have proficient skills in the art of parkour, which allows me to escape the clutches of aforementioned individuals, and I am also very well-versed in using my ever-present switchblade, if such a need arises. In fact, if the situation does not call for immediate violence as a retaliative mechanism, I would be quite happy to negotiate for my release, as opposed to my rape… unless, of course, I am with Shizu-chan. Then again, if you were to believe the monster, he'd rather copulate with a brick wall than be with me.

For those who may not understand my simplistic demands, let me make it simpler still, just for you: I will never get raped in my life. Apart from the glaringly obvious fact that I am male, and that most rapists like their targets to be weak human specimens of the feminine sort, I am well-versed in self-defence and in combat, I would be more than proficient in dispatching my unfortunate humans, who seek to rebel against my almighty commands. Although there have been some… unfortunate… incidents where I have been overpowered by one of the stronger members of the human race, the individuals in question have been more than happy to leave me physically injured in places where the sun deigns to shine on me. Unless there arises a perverted brute that is capable of subduing your deity and is disturbed enough to desire me in a less than awe-inspired manner, I will be quite happy to keep my sexual experiences as consensual, thank you very much.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I shall be off to Ikebukuro for my daily exercise with a certain idiot and observe humans while my beastly pet chases me around the city. Perhaps I can drop in on those willing to refuse my kind requests and… convince… you of your decisions to change. It would be prudent to delete those falsities about me before I get to you, after all…

_**With Love, Orihara Izaya**_

_P.S. Ah, Shizu-chan, what makes you think that your brain ever functioned to begin with? Besides, when I mentioned that you should be 'castrated', as you so termed my actions, I was merely saving a poor vet the trouble of neutering you, even if I myself find the task highly distasteful~_

_P.P.S. For the record, I do not go around 'impregnating people'. I prefer to allow humans to breed among themselves, while I as their rightful God watch over their less personal activities…_

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**_A/N: _**_Well, I suppose I should say that I've got an unhealthy obsession for a certain Shinjuku informant (three letters in a row featuring our favourite parkour master, anyone?) and that I've had to create a list to keep track of everyone's requests, which I will be doing sometime soon, I swear. In any case, I'll actually bring other characters in soon and leave poor old Izaya alone... for now, anyway... but before I waffle on any longer, thank you all for reading this letter, and I hope that I shall see everyone again, with my plot bunnies (perhaps) a little less emaciated from their hibernation with a kind donation of thought-veggies~_


	33. Shizuo & Celty, Solitary Legends

**Disclaimer: I would be deceiving you if I said I owned anything I didn't own in the 1st chapter... so I'll say next to nothing at all for now then.  
Dedicated To:** Albinos, who requested this pairing quite a while ago. I'm sorry for never really getting around to doing it until now, but a bolt of inspiration struck me this afternoon and this appeared in its wake. I hope you like this letter and that you'll forgive me for how late this appeared, my dear friend~  
_This is also dedicated to all those who've reviewed/favourited/followed/read the story. Thanks for the 100 reviews and 2000 views, everyone ^^~_

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

There's something that concerns me somewhat with all these stories that I've been reading lately, and it's not because of the aliens that appear in them or the slightly frightening notion of people acting like aliens… though that is still concerning in its own right. I think it really is cool that all of you are able to write all these interesting tales about my friends and I while making them seem quite believable at times, but there's something that I'm not particularly comfortable with, and I really wish to point it out before anyone else writes about this.

I think Shinra's mentioned that he's in love with me far too much for my own comfort, but I have to say that I am in love with him as well, and that we're in a wonderfully fulfilling relationship together, despite our rather complicated history. Basically, what I'm saying is that, despite the fact that I don't admit my love for him as easily –and, at times, as loosely– as my boyfriend tends to do, I still love him dearly, and I love only him. I may seem inhuman to the people that have seen me, but I am really just a normal human at heart and I really am a monogamous lover, like most humans are.

It seems that people don't see what I assumed to be obvious, though, since there are a rather large amount of fanfiction writers who believe that I work in a better relationship with Shizuo. I had thought that my obvious empathy for my best friend would be understood by everyone to be just what my empathy presents itself as, but it seems that people have mistakenly believed that my compassion is, somehow, an expression of my love. Contrary to what people believe, I am only romantically affectionate towards Shinra, and sympathetically friendly towards Shizuo.

If it's not too much trouble, I hope that everyone will be able to understand that I am in love with Shinra and that I am merely friends with Shizuo, because I would not like to imagine what my friend would have to say on the matter. Actually, if I am right, many people's lives will be in danger, and though it is not my fault for having my emotions and actions misinterpreted by people, I would rather not people be injured on my behalf. Please, for the sake of your own health (or for my ease of mind, if nothing else), I beg you to hastily erase those relational errors before my friend injures you all for a semi-permanent time period. I do not think that either Shizuo or I have enough money to pay for everyone's stay in hospital, and I highly doubt that you all have enough money either…

_**Celty Sturluson**_

_P.S. Shizuo, please refrain from injuring people. I'm sure that everyone is changing their mistakes as soon as they see this, so if you need to vent any anger… well, I am always here for you._

_P.P.S. I wonder how these post-scripts work? It's like everyone can read everyone else's comments… like aliens are telling them everything beforehand… Ah, how s-scary…_

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_**You Goddamn Fanfiction Writers,**_

I. Hate. You. All.

Come on, seriously, what's with all your twisted minds? Is it not enough that you choose to pair me up with the flea, my boss, my brother and my colleague?! There's a creepy doctor waiting for my friend where she lives (don't tell her that I called Shinra creepy, though; she doesn't like it when people other than herself insult her boyfriend) and if that's not enough, I think they're together and all that now. I like my friend, I can admit that much, but I like her as a _friend_, not as a romantic target.

No offense to Celty, but I actually like to have a human female as my partner for life. Yeah, sure, she's older than I am and I like older women, but she's about a hundred or something years older than me, if Shinra's to be believed, and she's not exactly my type either. Besides, I only figured out that she was actually a woman recently, and it really shocked me to see that my friend wasn't actually the guy that the news portrayed her as, and it surprised me further to see that she didn't have a head, too. Hey, it's good for that doctor to like her, since he seems to like that sort of thing, but I don't. Heck, I'm pretty picky by my own standards, and I like to have friends, so I think I'll stay away from her and find a better and more suitable person to be with.

That's not the problem here, though. See, you people seem to know everything about me, from my exact date of birth to my likes and dislikes, and I thought that it would be obvious to you idiots that I don't like everyone romantically. It's like you people have glass marbles for eyes and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Izaya was more stupid than me for liking humans, because all I seem to see are stupid and retarded human beings (but then again, the flea's a moron too, so I guess it makes sense). I can't, for the _life_ of me, figure out how you all manage to get about your daily lives without dying, because you all show such a low level of intelligence that I think that cockroaches might be more intelligent than you. Oh, and since I'm stupider than you, I have a right to call you all stupid. Even if I offend my own intelligence by categorizing you people with the same term I use for myself.

So if you're too stupid to figure out what I just said, then let me tell it to you straight up. Celty has a boyfriend. She's taken. She has love waiting for her. She's got a damn romantic life already. I'm just her friend, and I'm not part of her lovey-dovey business. I like human beings, not headless people. I don't have a romantic life, and I don't plan to have one with her. I don't have eyes on my friend.

But, you know, if that's not clear enough, I can always bash some sense into all of you…

_**Heiwajima Shizuo**_

_P.S. Celty, there's no such things as aliens. People are just really, really good at collecting information, like a certain damn annoying flea. And fine, I'll control myself… for now._

_P.P.S. You've got one hour to fix everything up, people, before I come and pay a visit to your houses. You have a debt to pay for my pride and I _will_ exact my revenge if it's the last thing I do…_

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**_A/N: _**_Well, I myself haven't read many Shizuo/Celty stories, but I've always seemed to notice a peculiar lack of Shinra... but random thought aside, I'd like to congratulate _Mockingjay Rose_ for taking out the venerable position of the 100th reviewer~ Anyhow, all that aside, I'd like to thank everyone for reading this letter and for being patient with me (especially since I've been a bit under the weather ever since I've finished my exams) so please take a token of my love and have some virtual cupcakes while my plot bunnies race off to work on another letter~_


	34. Heiwajima Kasuka, Emotionally Challenged

**Disclaimer: Well, I still haven't found a magical charm to lure people into giving me rights... so nope, I still own nothing OTL**

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_**To Fanfiction Writers:**_

Fan mail is something that I find rather hard to reply to at times, especially when most of them are about how certain strange individuals want to tie me to a bed and do unspeakable things to my body, or how certain other individuals want me to be their boyfriend forever and ever, or something like that. However, one set of fan mail has been a rather large sheaf of papers with fanfiction stories featuring myself in them –apparently, the anonymous writers behind it thought that it would be good for my morale to read stories about myself– and I have finally taken the time to read them.

It's also at this point that I finally realize why my Aniki has lost his temper so many times.

There seems to be a very strange notion that is rather strong throughout most of these stories, and that notion seems to be an inaccuracy pertaining to my emotions… or my supposed lack of them. Although I am hardly shown with emotions outside of a movie or television screen, there are actually instances in my life when I show emotion on my face, like when my cat, Dokusonmaru feels the urge to perch on brother's head. I suppose that my life is a public one and that, as such, there would be celebrity gossip and rumours about me, but I find it quite baffling that people would believe these rumours when they can see my emotions for myself.

It is true that I do not show very much emotion in my life outside of the acting industry, but that does not mean that I am completely devoid of emotion. I find it slightly rude how people would think I am even sociopathic, when I can clearly show emotions –albeit at a muted level– so, if you would all please detract your false statements, that would be nice. Of course, if you would like to see me actually exhibit emotion, I will be glad to… especially if my Aniki becomes angered due to all your untrue comments about myself. After all, I'd like my brother to stay out of jail for manslaughter…

_**Heiwajima Kasuka**_

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_**A/N:**_ _Forgive me for being too tired to make Kasuka write much here... but, well, before I fall asleep on my keyboard, as I seem to want to do these days (because, no, apparently the bed's where I get all my story ideas these days...), I want to thank everyone for reading this letter and its concerns, which I would probably be guilty of, if Kasuka actually appeared in any of my stories. Anyhow, I hope that everyone will look forward to the next chapter and drop off a few virtual food pellets for my plot bunnies, but that's all from me for now, I guess~_


	35. Karisawa Erika, Immune To Death

**Disclaimer: Ah, is there ever any chance of the DRRR characters actually writing the letters without a humble fanfiction writer's prompting? No? Guess not...**

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_**To My Dear Fanfiction Writer Friends:**_

The sheer amount of yaoi in your stories is positively amazing~! Scarcely a day goes by without my nose bleeding or my eyes crossing over, and it's gotten to the point where Yumacchi's gone and hidden my computer –though, of course, he doesn't really realize that I know the password to his and that I go on there when he's not around– but, really, I regret nothing. It really warms a fujoshi's heart to see the amount of smutty love that Shizu-chan and Izayan engage in, even if they never really do what they're supposed to outside of your fanfiction stories, but I just wanted to talk about another wonderful pairing that I support.

Why is there such little interest in Dotachin and Chikage-kun? I suppose it's true to say that Shizu-chan and Izayan have the most wonderfully dynamic relationship and that they interact a whole lot more than Dotachin tends to do with Chikage-kun, but their love is simply just a more passive and restrained one than the wild Shizaya love most of you are obsessed with! It's also true that Dotachin keeps on denying his love and continually tries to restrain me whenever I mention Shizu-chan's or Izayan's names, not to mention the flustered anger he produces as soon as I place his name with Chikage-kun's, but I can't really convince him when there's no real evidence of their accepted relationship online, you know. It's hard to convince someone who is too stubborn to simply admit their love and race on towards the sunset forever, like a sparkly boy's version of a shoujo manga~

I've seen so many yaoi pairings that I could simply die from sheer delight and a massive nosebleed –not only is there our dearly beloved Shizaya and Izuo, there's even Mikido and Mizaya and all sorts of other beautiful male relationships– yet why is there no Dotachin and Chikage-kun to read online? You know, I would write it all up myself, but Yumacchi keeps on stealing my manuscripts, especially when I try to write some about him and Togasucchi or Dotachin, and my laptop's been confiscated until further notice… and besides, Dotachin will know if I write something up, because he's familiar with my writing style (as much as he tries to deny those allegations, I know that he reads some of my stories when I'm not looking). See, I've got all these wonderful ideas that I wish people would write up, and I think I've seen a really cute one about Dotachin, Chikage-kun and body chocolate, but there's just not enough to celebrate their beautiful relationship together~

Yes, I know Chikage-kun likes to think that he has a billion girlfriends and Dotachin tends to pretend that he's only interested in his bandanna, but they're totally together and you all should know it! We should all rally together and advocate the Dotachin/Chikage-kun love so, if my fellow fujoshi and fudanshi could be so kind as to write a few stories, then we'll get all the more BL for our eyes to peruse at leisure!

After all, someone's got to push those two reticent and supposedly 'straight' men in the right direction, and it might as well be us, with our good intentions, than Izayan, for example~

_**Yours Truly, Karisawa Erika**_

_P.S. Nyah, ShizuShizu, stop trying to bash IzaIza in your letters when it's obvious that you and he are totally in love with one another~ How many times do you need to be told that the fujoshi/fudanshi community will accept your relationship with open arms?_

_P.P.S. Same goes for you, IzaIza. But, you know, when you two finally become an old married couple in name, come convince Dotachin and Chikage-kun to become one too~_

_P.P.P.S. Nobody's found my beautiful stash of manga and BL yet, so keep searching~!_

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**_A/N:_**_ Well, my English exam results have come back and they're horrible, and I seem to be coming down with the most blasted cold known to mankind... so what better way to get my mind off a terrible mark and my sniffles/coughs with a letter? Anyhow, twisted reasoning aside, I suppose there isn't much on Kadota & Chikage -actually, I only managed to find one story listed- so, hopefully, Erika didn't mind waffling on about something obscure too much. In any case, though, thanks for reading, everyone, and I hope that you'll all give a bit of medicine to my plot bunnies so that they can heal from their cold (which they share with me, sadly) and get on with their work~_


	36. Izaya & Kasuka, Not Quite Alike

**Disclaimer: Nerp, still don't own a thing... other than a throbbing headache...  
Dedicated To:** Alwaysblu, who wondered how Izaya and Kasuka would go together. To be honest, I generally didn't see the resemblance those two had to each other in the physical sense (until someone pointed it out to me) and I haven't read too many Izaya/Kasuka stories, but hopefully this works somehow, Blu-chan~

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**_To Fanfiction Writers:_**

I tend to find that a lot of people who know both Orihara-san and I comment on our physical similarities, but I should also point out that we do not particularly look alike, and even then our personalities are completely different. The reason why I have brought up my partial resemblance to my Aniki's enemy at all is because there are a great many people that seem to think that we are romantically involved, and I wish to erase this rumour before it becomes any more detrimental to me. Orihara-san might have a reputation of his own, but I do not care much for it.

Perhaps it is not obvious to you that I have a girlfriend and that, despite our initial differences, we are very much happy with one another. Ruri-san may have tried to murder me as soon as we consciously met, and I may have been a little annoyed at her because of that, but the relationship that had initially been rumoured to be true is, in fact, true. For all I care, Orihara-san may also be a fan of me and he may share the affection that my many fans have for me, but I have no idea of what he feels towards me, and I do not wish to know.

My point is this, I suppose: I am happily in love with my girlfriend and I couldn't care less about whether my relationship with Orihara-san is one of little to no physical contact. It is true that I hold a degree of anger towards the informant for making my brother miserable whenever he intrudes on my Aniki's life, but for the most part, I do not interact with him. As far as I am concerned, he can do whatever he wants with his life, as long as he leaves me out of his. After all, the things that I hear about him are anything but good, and I would like to keep my name clean of any mishaps that I could possibly gain by association with him.

So, with all that being said, I hope that it is obvious to everyone that I do not have a relationship with Orihara-san. I have not ever planned to, I clearly do not have one, and I definitely never want to have anything close to a romantic relationship with him. If he really wants to be with me, then I suppose he could either buy my merchandise or simply go for some plastic surgery, but it's up to him as to what he wants to do. As for me… well, I have a film to produce now.

**_Heiwajima Kasuka_**

_P.S. Please leave my Aniki alone, everyone. He tries to lead a normal life, and I think it would be impossible for him to if everyone is trying to get a rise out of him all the time. Besides, I do not wish to visit him in jail because of everyone's inability to value their own lives…_

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**_My Dear Fanfiction Writers,_**

I can admit that I am good-looking and that my appearance could rival that of a model's or an actor's, but is it really necessary to say that I bear a resemblance to one of my humans, and that I am supposedly showing favouritism to them? Alas, it seems that everyone who is a fanfiction writer is simply a stubborn protozoan in disguise, because no matter what I say about being an even-handed God who strives to love all of humanity equally, nobody ever seems to pay me any heed. Ah, perhaps I should simply use other, more persuasive, methods to get everyone to see my side of the story, instead of being kind enough to voice my thoughts politely onto paper…

When I express my discontent regarding my imaginary relationship with Shizu-chan's famous little brother, I do not express it because of my unwillingness to compare myself to a mere human —though, with that being said, I do admit that Kasuka-kun is a decent-looking human being— but because of another fact entirely. See, I thought that it would be obvious to everyone that, as your divine deity, I would be above all this favouritism nonsense that you writers insist on forcing my online persona into, but I suppose that you do not wish to conform to my expectations of you all. Besides, if I really wanted to be in love with someone that looked like me, I would simply stare into the mirror and admire myself that way. After all, that would be the most effective way to love myself, and it saves me the trouble of finding a cheap imitation of my appearance, no?

By the way, I should also point out that Kasuka-kun has a girlfriend, which means that he is clearly not gay. As well as that, he is also Shizu-chan's little brother, which makes him blood-related to a monster, and that his girlfriend is also a monster in her own right. I'm not sure whether you obtuse humans might understand the implications of my statement or not, but basically speaking, it seems that the actor is only interested in being related to monsters, not deities. I, on the other hand, do not wish to taint my purity and any aspects of my sex life with him, so that should probably settle the case for all of you now.

While it may be a good way to annoy Shizu-chan with rumours that his brother is in a relationship with his enemy, I would not stoop down to that level of trolling when I can irritate the dumb brute in other ways. Now, if you all will be so kind as to remove those untrue stories about my supposed relationship with Kasuka-kun, I think I'll leave my words at this point and get back to other business. As much as writing letters to my dear humans is fun and all, your God needs to go to take a look at his city and watch over the other humans that are blissfully oblivious to their deity's plight online.

**_With Love, Orihara Izaya_**

_P.S. The day that Shizu-chan leads a normal life will be the day that apes take over the planet, though I certainly wouldn't mind seeing the monster in jail because of his temper. Beasts should be kept locked up in cages for humanity's own good anyhow~_

_P.P.S. Karisawa-san, are you attempting to taunt me with your undiscovered stash of manga? You do know that I could simply burn everywhere you've been and destroy you with a flick of my fingers, right? I would be glad to humour you and do just that, but I have better things in life to do…_

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**_A/N:_**_ Urgh, I dislike colds and exam marks... so here's another letter to try ward off my onset of grumpiness in the offline world. Well, I was actually surprised that I didn't fall asleep on my keyboard before I finished typing this up, but I guess Kasuka and Izaya are just too interesting to write about. Anyhow, before I bore the socks off any more readers, I'll just thank everyone for reading once more, and hopefully I'll be back with another letter when I and my plot bunnies aren't feeling so down~_


	37. The DRRR Cast, Case Sensitive

**Disclaimer: Well, it's probably quite obvious to everyone that I own cheesy-ass chapter titles... and that I own nothing much else apart from that too...  
Dedicated To:** The Lazy Bitch, who thought it'd be amusing to see how the Durarara characters reacted to all that information that we fanfiction writers have about them. It turned a bit silly at the end, as you can see with the rambly nature of this letter, but hopefully it's a satisfactory response and you'll like it heaps, Maya-chan~

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_**~Dear Fanfiction Writers~**_

There's a lot of things that exist in the world, which most of us do not really understand or care to know about; there may be some of us ─like a certain informant─ who would know the ins and outs of nearly everyone's life like the back of their hands, and there may be some of us ─like a certain fujoshi─ who like to imagine everything in people's lives, but for the most part, we like to keep our noses firmly stuck in our own businesses. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like all of you seem to share that sentiment, because we've discovered things, both true and untrue, in the realms of your stories that we could hardly care about… but there are some startling lies and facts in there that we swear we've never told any living soul. And yes, that includes the few of us that aren't exactly human and, therefore, may not actually be alive, or have a tangible soul.

It's not too hard to figure out where you realized Shizuo's hair was not naturally blonde (because, really, how hard is it to see those brown roots peeking out from the yellow?) and that Kida's a natural flirt (after all, anything distinctly feminine on two legs would have been approached by him at least once in their lives), but how do you figure out those deep, dark secrets that even Izaya might not know about? We suppose it's true that the identities of certain underground positions, like the wielder of Saika and the boss of the Dollars, aren't too hard to figure out nowadays, but there are some things that we'd never thought would see the light of day and have somehow managed to make it there. What sort of magical device allows you people to get such information, anyway? For the sake of our resident Black Rider, we'll hope that you fanfiction writers aren't all aliens in disguise, but we're confused enough to embrace that theory for now…

We're not going to enlighten you as to what you all have actually guessed ─since the majority of us don't actually believe that you writers have managed to lay your hands on this information by anything other than pure chance─ correctly, but we'll be quite happy to tell you some of the few things that is pretty much wrong with your surmises. If you could all simply glance down at the individual complaints list that we have painstaking compiled below, then that would be most beneficial for all of us. After all, as much as we _love_ to have inaccuracies floating around about us, we actually don't.

With all that being said (minus all those apologies that some people wanted to stick in), we suppose we'll get back to our daily lives and leave you all to change up your stories and erase those false tales. We'll also be checking out all those strange sites that are rumoured to contain information about us, and see whether those are true or not… before we eradicate off the face of the digital world. Of course, there is always the chance that you people are simply stubborn and will continue to pull information about us out of thin air, but we'll come up with methods to _dissuade_ such action.

There's a reason why some of us have secrets we never want revealed to the world, after all~

_**~The Durarara Cast~**_

_P.S. For those who are willing to divulge their secrets in gathering information, we'll recommend you to go visit Izaya. Of course, there will be certain angry debt collectors who might prevent you from meeting him and divulging your information, but we'll wish you luck in your venture, we suppose…_

_P.P.S. Anyone foolish enough to continue exposing secrets about us will suffer retribution at the hands of the wronged individual(s). We do not take any responsibility for any injuries or deaths suffered as a result of such retribution, since we've already stuck a disclaimer here~_

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**_A/N:_**_ This... this is something we're all guilty of, really. After all, it would be impolite to delve into other people's lives, but it's perfectly fine to know every dark little thing about our favourite Ikebukuro/Shinjuku cast... so we'll probably keep on encroaching on their privacy regardless, as long as fanfiction exists. Anyhow, while I try to get rid of this random blockage in my ear, I'll just thank everyone for taking the time to read this letter, and I hope that you'll all have a few thought-scraps to spare for my busy plot-bunnies as they set about scurrying for the next letter's idea~_


	38. Heiwajima Delic, Appreciating Females

**Disclaimer: Can you imagine me as Ryohgo Narita, PhoenixDiamond or all those other DRRR writers? No? Well, neither can I...  
_Note:_**_ This letter is based on my knowledge of Delic as Shizuo's more playful/suave side, so I apologize if this is not the view you may take on him..._

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_**Dear Fanfiction Writers,**_

Ah, letter writing… it brings to mind the sort of romantic love that people would have in the Victorian era, when mobile phones and instant messaging hadn't been invented. One would seal off the envelope with a fancy wax seal and leave a lingering kiss on the smooth folds, and send it onwards to their beloved… but I digress somewhat. Sadly, I don't see much that can be termed as 'romantic' in my letter because, as much as it pains me to say this, I feel that my relationships these days are less than desirable, and it saddens me to see my love go to waste at times.

You see, fanfiction writers, despite the fact that I am merely a representation of our dear inept lover, Heiwajima Shizuo, I share the same sort of tastes in people that my so-called 'original' does; in short, I like older women. Why do you think I got my job as a host and then decided that it was the best job ever for distributing my love for the ladies out there~? If I really wanted to be a glorified male shrine prostitute, like you all seem to classify me as in your stories these days, I would've gone and found myself a job as a cleaner or something as menial as that… because, really, I believe I'd be better off having a lacklustre job than having to touch other men's privates, if you get what I mean.

From what I've heard, I seem to like spoiled little princes who would rather seem like princesses, childish kids decked out in startling shades of pink –which is much worse than magenta, I can assure you– and bitchy little fleas with nothing better to do in life than ruin other people's lives. I believe I have higher standards than that… which is why I won't even bother to mention those passing flings I supposedly have with my brother or, god forbid, my 'twin' or whatever. To be quite honest with everyone, I like the feel of the soft female body rather than the hard contours of the male body, and I would rather spend my time indulging in the pleasurable company of the fairer sex than get down and dirty with people who are pretty much just like me in genetic make-up. Seriously, there's something called 'masturbation', and I'm a healthy enough individual to like to touch my own junk, and nobody else's. Unless, of course, they're a fully-fledged woman.

I have a respectable life as a great singer and an even greater host, and I would rather not have my life jeopardized by all these senseless rumours floating around about my supposedly crooked sexual orientation. For the record, fanfiction writers, I am as straight as uncooked spaghetti, and I intend to keep myself that way. I really do apologize if I've offended any ladies' fair opinions by mentioning my distaste for intimate male relationships, but I rather prefer to have the truth delivered clearly than to beat around the bush all day long.

Because, as fun as it is to write letters, I'd like to go back to composing my latest song~

_**Yours Always, Heiwajima Delic**_

_P.S. Writing letters is actually much harder than I thought… no wonder people seem to go a little mental after they're done writing. Well, everyone should just relax, listen to music, and pick up chicks, I'd say~_

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**_A/N:_**_ Is it weird of me to think of Delic as someone stuck halfway between Kida and Shizuo, but isn't really either one of them? Because, with all seriousness, I really do feel that Delic's a bit of a flirtatious guy with a little more smoothness than Kida and a few more social skills than Shizuo... but yeah, that's just me, my rambling, and the effects of half a day spent doing maths, I'd say. Anyhow, I'll try and update on April Fools' (there's a few ideas that my plot bunnies have been pondering over, so hopefully they'll make up their minds by the time the day comes around), but with that random announcement aside, thank you all for reading once again, and I hope you'll all give a little direction to my indecisive bunnies for their future plans~_


	39. Kishitani Shinra, Awkward Third-Wheeler

**Disclaimer: Erm... I own... my foot? Yeah, well, my brain is dead, so I'm sorry (or not)**

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_**Greeting, Fanfiction Writers!**_

You know, there's something a little disconcerting that has appeared in my life recently, and though it's a problem that I'm sure my beloved Celty could fix, she'd probably give me an endearing jab in the ribs and tell me to shut up and die in the cutest manner possible~ Alas, since I have no better alternative on the matter, I seem to have to write out yet another letter to all of you to help me with a little issue that, frankly, stems from your little meandering stories. Of course, there's always the question of why I simply don't turn off the internet or stick to researching ways to seduce a girl, but whenever I casually wander onto the history of my honey's usage of the computer and see all those stories she's been reading lately… well, I just can't help myself sometimes.

All of you probably know that Izaya is one of my best –and, probably, one of my _only_– friends, though we don't really act all that close these days, and that Shizuo is a valuable customer that had been a great help in developing my medical knowledge, especially when it came to the myriad of injuries that resulted from his fights with Izaya. To put things simply, it's nice to be able to chat to them from time to time, when they're not busy killing each other and doing whatever else they see fit to do in their daily lives, and when my darling is off on errands for her courier duties. The problem is that I can't really talk to them anymore without feeling just a tad awkward, because I seem to have an expressive face that does not allow me to keep my emotions to myself and the two can tell when there's something wrong with my generally 'eccentric' disposition.

See, every time I happen upon those fanfiction stories and see something rather graphic about my two friends going at it like sex-deprived maniacs in their mating heat, I can't help myself from both cringing away at the thought of their being together, and leaning closer to study your descriptions of the male anatomy. I can't see what makes you think they're the ideal couple, really, when Celty and I are obviously the most functional and loving pair that you'll ever meet in your lives, but it's really quite disconcerting to think of those two in a relationship. Just think about it for a little bit: what would you do if your two friends, who have been trying to kill each other and ruin everyone's lives in between them for nearly a decade, suddenly declared their love for each other and rutted in public? I'm not sure if I might have the same reaction to such an incident as any other sane person in this particular scenario, but I can assure you that you'd probably never see your friends in the same light again. Especially if they're someone as scientifically intriguing as Izaya or Shizuo.

The artwork that you people seem to have access to seem to be another issue entirely, so I'll leave my comments as they are and simply end off by saying a few extra words. Please, for the love that I bear to my dear girlfriend, don't let your Shizaya or whatever-you-call-them stories get anywhere near her pure eyes anymore. I know she doesn't have eyes that you can see, but I can assure you that you will scar her mind with images of her best friend 'getting it on' with her usual employer, and I really do want to save my darling the mental imagery that I myself have been subjected to. She hasn't read the worst of the stories, from what I've seen of her history and from what I've researched on the topic so far… and I really don't want her to read any more of this fictional oddity.

It might be fine and dandy for you all to let my two friends fall in love with each other in your minds, but don't try and make us get involved in the issue as well. It's just… it might give my poor Celty ideas… that's all…

_**Sincerely, Kishitani Shinra**_

_P.S. Hold on, Karisawa-san. Are you saying that you're responsible for all this material that Celty's been reading lately?! Ah, please stay away from my honey or you'll stain her purity forever!_

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**_A/N:_**_ Well, I guess I lied when I said that my next letter was going to be on April Fools' Day. It turns out that my plot bunnies decided to drag me away from the television and shove me headfirst into another letter (along with a few other ideas, drat them) so here it is, I suppose. Before I ramble on any further and forget the massive load of writing/editing that I have yet to do, I guess I should thank everyone for reading again, and I sincerely hope that you'll be able to distract my bunnies from other story ideas with a few drops of brain-juice or something... because I really don't want to write another oneshot or multi-chaptered story right now~_

_Oh, and if we ever do reach 150 reviews... and the reviewer isn't a guest or a previous winner... someone will get another oneshot again~_


	40. Yagiri Namie, Ethical Scientist

**Disclaimer: I own a lamb's brain, courtesy of the butcher's, but I don't any other brains apart from my own, sadly...  
_Note: _**_Happy April Fools' Day to everyone~! Here's a random half-festive letter to commemorate the time, I guess._

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_**Fanfiction Writers,**_

You all delight in demeaning other people, don't you? I don't really see that as a fault –if anything, it just goes to explaining why my sorry excuse of an employer likes humans in general– but it is rather irritating at times, especially when you debase my love for Seiji, for example. I would strongly advise everyone to keep away from my shortcomings, because I already have a problematic ingrate chirpily informing me of my supposed 'failures' day in and day out, but there is something that I would like to discuss with everyone today. Unfortunately for me, it has nothing to do with my brother…

I've read in quite a number of your stories that I do not seem to be good at producing successful experiments, such as a love potion to make Seiji fall in love with me (which, by the way, is already in its final stages of testing) and certain injections to aid male pregnancies. My scientific and medical knowledge is much better than what most of you would dare to ever imagine, and I am quite confident in declaring that my expertise in experimentation regarding the human body would be more successful than Kishitani-sensei's. There was a reason that Yagiri Pharmaceuticals was singled out as a threat by the Dollars gang and my current boss, and it wasn't only because we were triumphant in our efforts to acquire that Dullahan's head.

However, that is not what I wanted to discuss here; in fact, I was going to take the time to announce the re-opening of Yagiri Pharmaceuticals and my reinstatement as the Chief of its operations. I am also going to announce the successful implementation of various experiments that will benefit humanity –though, to be honest, I could hardly care less about the despicable human beings that dare to view my pure love for my dear Seiji as something 'immoral' in nature– which include various covert experiments. Although I cannot reveal the details of the experiments as of the current time, I can confirm that there is a very special individual that has been impregnated with a child as a result of drinking some drugged tea and being inserted with the sperm of another drugged test subject.

In any case, I would like to mention, once again, that I am an accomplished scientist and doctor, so do not ever dare to underestimate my ability as either of these two occupations. There is a very good chance that anyone who bothers to entertain the thought of demeaning my person will end up as the next unwilling participant of an experiment, which may end up leaving them with, say, a few extra limbs, or another family member. After all, there are always various trials that I would like to conduct, and there is always an unfortunate shortage of willing and healthy participants…

_**Yagiri Namie**_

_P.S. Anyone willing to look after my hormonal employer can visit one of his many offices scattered throughout Ikebukuro. I will be glad to offer up the responsibility of 'taking care' of him to any willing participants… though there are always ways to employ caretakers these days._

_P.P.S. Anyone willing to adopt a healthy child in around 9 months' time can contact me with the details I've left attached to this letter. I will assume that the child will be abnormally strong and intelligent, and will probably be an one-of-a-kind individual…_

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**_A/N:_**_ I'm not actually sure whether my sense of humour here qualifies as an appropriate expression of today... but my oneshot fell flat and it'll be appearing sometime later, so this is my attempt at celebrating the day, I suppose. As for my actual day... I'll describe it to anyone who wants to hear the story behind the lamb's brain at a later date, I guess, but for now... thank you all for reading this letter, and I hope that everyone will patiently await the next letter, as my bunnies go foraging for thought-food and get to work~_


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